So now that it's almost three (three?!) months since I gave birth, I think it's time to revisit that ugly thing called TRUTH - more specifically, the truth about POST-pregnancy. Be forewarned - this can get gross.
The "lochia" bleeding they tell you about is nothing like a period. It's like an ellipsis. (For those unfamiliar, that's the dot-dot-dot.) An ellipsis in font size 48. Luckily at the hospital they give you these enormous pads that make Depends look like Poise panty-liners, and if you get the heads-up (this is your heads-up) you can be sneaky and put four more in your overnight bag every time you change the one you're wearing so you can keep telling the nurse you need more, and then when you go home, you'll have all the extra you need. You'll need lots of extra.
Here's one good thing, though. As soon as you check in when you're in labor, they make you change out of your clothes (wait, the good part is coming) and they give you these disposable panties. "Uh, where's the good part?" you ask. That is the good part. These disposable panties are SO comfortable you wonder WHY someone doesn't market them and sell them at Walgreens. The nurse hands them to you and you look at her like, "What is that?" But they are the most perfect combination of tight enough to hold that ginormous pad in place and stretchy enough that there is NO binding or creasing. It's like a hug for your bottom from your fat aunt - perfectly firm yet squishy. These too, you can stock up on if you strategerize, since they're supposed to be disposable.
But I'm just getting started.
When they say you won't sleep because of the feedings and the diapers and the blahblahblah, you can't quite wrap your mind around that fact until you're a week in and you feel like you just might die (and then you think, "Well at least I'll be asleep then..."). They don't tell you that feeding her every two or three hours means: 6AM wake up, change diaper, start feed. Feed till 6:20 maybe, if your baby suckles frantically as if you never feed her. Rock until 6:45AM, baby is FAST asleep, mouth agape, limbs limp. 6:45 and 35 seconds, put baby into cradle, mouth agape, limbs limp. 6:46AM fall into bed exhausted, but unable to fall asleep instantly because there is so much racing through your mind (SleepNowBeforeSheWakesUp-Laundry-ShouldIShowerNow-GottaShaveMyLegs-SleepNowDammit-OhCrapDidIFeedTheCatThisWeek-SeriouslySleepRightNOW-OhYeahI'mKindaHungry-NahIt'sOkay-GoToSleep!). 6:48AM baby startles awake - rock again until 7:06AM and think about the fact that two months ago you thought waking up for work was tough. 7:07AM gingerly put baby back in her cradle and force yourself to lie down with your eyes closed even if you can't sleep, and then end up sleeping. Until 8AM when you wake up to do it all over again. And even then, you're excited that you got almost a full hour of sleep.
It gets better, and it gets better pretty fast actually. But at the time you really do think to yourself, "What was I thinking?" And then you think that you are a terrible person and the worst Mommy ever just for thinking that, as if feeling overwhelmed and desperate automatically means you also feel regret (it doesn't). As if feeling a tiny bit of regret means you would take it back (it doesn't, and regret isn't the right word for it anyway). You also find yourself really angry at all the people who told you that "EVERYTHING changes" as if they were supposed to expound on that fact to make you truly comprehend what that means. There is no way to describe how every moment of every day for the rest of your life is now completely changed forever - not just your responsibilities, but also your perspective, your priorities, your freedom (and your perspective on what freedom means), your friends, your interests. Sure, you're going to mostly have the same friends and interests - but somehow everything is just different. Some things will be much more interesting than you ever thought possible (to me it was poop, for example) and other things will just seem boring (like my old hobby - drinking). For me, anyway, that "different" feeling was shocking and terrifying. If you're anything like me, you might feel a little grief for the life you didn't even realize you were saying goodbye to - and if you're like me, you may mistake this grief for a feeling of regret or a feeling that you want that old life back instead, and then feel an immense and intense feeling of guilt for that. But mourning your "old life" does not mean you want a do-over - it's just that such a significant change can be hard to adjust to no matter how mentally prepared you thought you were - especially when you're getting no sleep.
So, throughout pregnancy you're thinking, "Oh God I'm this hulking monstrous waddling flesh-ball, I can't wait to be normal-sized again." And people tell you that you won't shrink back to prepregnancy size magically. And you can accept that. But what they don't tell you is that you deflate like a balloon, slowly and lopsidedly (and sometimes just as noisily...) but you have been stretched beyond imagination in so many places and unless you're 14 your skin is not as elastic as a balloon. If you are fortunate enough to have a Sugar-Nazi for an ob/gyn like I was, and if you breastfeed even just for a couple weeks, your belly will mostly deflate pretty quickly. But you'll be left with gross skin that seems darker than before (not tan, just darker) and also wrinkled and saggy like an old elephant's butt. You'll be glad to see your ankles do in fact still have bones, as do your feet, but then you'll realize your thighs look still-pregnant when contrasted above thin-again ankles even when separated by knees and calves. That linea negra that could have been called a badge of honor now just looks gross and uneven. And if you breastfeed, then ten seconds after you stop breastfeeding (if you're lucky this will be MUCH later when all these other things have probably resolved themselves) your boobs will NOT return to pre-pregnancy size and shape. They will be decidedly lower, flatter, and sadder. Your butt will shrink but not back to its cute round self - it will just deflate and become that flat but wide "mom-butt."
You may also find yourself wanting to spit in the face of anyone who tries to say the K-word (K...egel) around you.
There's more, but I think that's a decent dose of truth, at least for now. But you know what. This is cliche, but, it's all worth it. When you look at your baby sleeping (you always love them most when they're sleeping) and you take the time to notice little things like how her toes wiggle almost constantly even in her sleep, and you stop and think about the fact that very, very soon, she will be a little person with opinions, questions, hopes and fears, you know that even if each day is a challenge it is a challenge you want to cherish and relish and remember.
And that is the most important truth of all.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
10 (Thousand) Things I Love About You
Dear Isabella,
Here are some reasons I am smitten with you: The way you rest your hands politely folded on your round tummy when you fall asleep on my lap. Your tiny balled up fists held so tightly at the beginning of your 4am feeding that slowly unclench as you fall asleep. Your long, long eyelashes. Your brown hair that has a hint of red in the sunlight. Your funny toes that curl around my finger like monkey feet. Your chubby, rosy cheeks. Your red red lips and little triangle mouth that falls open when you're sleeping really deeply. When you hold my pinky finger so tightly as I'm feeding you. Your beautiful eyes that look so round and serious sometimes and light up with your coy smile other times. The way you try to put both your fists in your mouth at once. The determined and concentrated look on your face when you're trying so hard to coordinate your hands. Your little tongue licking your hands. Your tiny grunts and sighs when you're sleeping. Your strong little voice when you're talking to your toys. Your soft pink skin and little creases in your chubby arms and legs. The peaceful way you sleep resting your head on my shoulder when you fall asleep when I'm trying to burp you. The sleepy half-closed eyes you have when I wake you up. The sound of your soft little snores. The way your eyes get SO BIG and wide when the lights get dimmer suddenly. Your little facial expressions when you're dreaming. The specific combination of smells from your baby soap, fresh diaper, and milk that make me want to snuggle you like a Teddy bear. The dimples on your fists where your knuckles should be.
These are the things that make me say, Wow...what an angel.
I love you!
Love,
Mommy
Here are some reasons I am smitten with you: The way you rest your hands politely folded on your round tummy when you fall asleep on my lap. Your tiny balled up fists held so tightly at the beginning of your 4am feeding that slowly unclench as you fall asleep. Your long, long eyelashes. Your brown hair that has a hint of red in the sunlight. Your funny toes that curl around my finger like monkey feet. Your chubby, rosy cheeks. Your red red lips and little triangle mouth that falls open when you're sleeping really deeply. When you hold my pinky finger so tightly as I'm feeding you. Your beautiful eyes that look so round and serious sometimes and light up with your coy smile other times. The way you try to put both your fists in your mouth at once. The determined and concentrated look on your face when you're trying so hard to coordinate your hands. Your little tongue licking your hands. Your tiny grunts and sighs when you're sleeping. Your strong little voice when you're talking to your toys. Your soft pink skin and little creases in your chubby arms and legs. The peaceful way you sleep resting your head on my shoulder when you fall asleep when I'm trying to burp you. The sleepy half-closed eyes you have when I wake you up. The sound of your soft little snores. The way your eyes get SO BIG and wide when the lights get dimmer suddenly. Your little facial expressions when you're dreaming. The specific combination of smells from your baby soap, fresh diaper, and milk that make me want to snuggle you like a Teddy bear. The dimples on your fists where your knuckles should be.
These are the things that make me say, Wow...what an angel.
I love you!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, June 13, 2011
Shots!
Dear Isabella,
Last Tuesday you had your two month "birthday" and so on Thursday you had your two month old doctor's appointments. You grew a lot! You're eleven pounds, 12.5 ounces and 22.75 inches long! You're still in the 75th percentile for weight and between 50-75th percentile for height.
You also had your first shots that day. Poor little girl. You had two shots, one in each thigh. You were happily wiggling on the exam table and I made Daddy be the one to hold you down, and I just stood in the corner. You had no idea what was coming of course. The way you cried was so awful! Different than any other cry before - a shocked, scared, painful cry. But you're such a good girl - you stopped crying almost right after Daddy picked you up when the nurse was finished. And your cute little bottom lip stuck out. I bet that pouty face won't be so cute when you get to be two or three years old, but for now, it's precious!
Later that night you were so unhappy! You had a little bit of a fever and I think your legs were sore where you got the shots, so every time you moved your legs it made it worse. But of course you didn't understand that and you don't have that much control over your muscles still anyway, so it was so awful for you. I took you to Grandma's house so I would have some help, because Daddy had to go to work. We gave you baby Tylenol and I wrapped you in your swaddle super tight to try and keep your legs from moving too much. After a bottle and some rocking, you finally fell asleep. By the time you woke up for your middle of the night bottle, you seemed to be doing a lot better, and by morning you were back to your cheerful self. But, boy, hearing your terrified painful cries was awful!
You're getting bigger and stronger every day! Which makes it harder when you're wiggling and playing when you're supposed to be having your bottle. But when you're playing it's fun. We got you some new toys that should be good for you to practice grabbing stuff, and a stuffed rattling bug that hangs from your carseat handle. It's soft so it's not dangerous if it comes loose in an accident. You love it! Yesterday in the morning I put you in your carseat while I made your bottles for the day, and you were smiling at it, and talking to it, and staring at it for almost an hour!
Each day with you is a new adventure. I love you!
Love,
Mommy
Last Tuesday you had your two month "birthday" and so on Thursday you had your two month old doctor's appointments. You grew a lot! You're eleven pounds, 12.5 ounces and 22.75 inches long! You're still in the 75th percentile for weight and between 50-75th percentile for height.
You also had your first shots that day. Poor little girl. You had two shots, one in each thigh. You were happily wiggling on the exam table and I made Daddy be the one to hold you down, and I just stood in the corner. You had no idea what was coming of course. The way you cried was so awful! Different than any other cry before - a shocked, scared, painful cry. But you're such a good girl - you stopped crying almost right after Daddy picked you up when the nurse was finished. And your cute little bottom lip stuck out. I bet that pouty face won't be so cute when you get to be two or three years old, but for now, it's precious!
Later that night you were so unhappy! You had a little bit of a fever and I think your legs were sore where you got the shots, so every time you moved your legs it made it worse. But of course you didn't understand that and you don't have that much control over your muscles still anyway, so it was so awful for you. I took you to Grandma's house so I would have some help, because Daddy had to go to work. We gave you baby Tylenol and I wrapped you in your swaddle super tight to try and keep your legs from moving too much. After a bottle and some rocking, you finally fell asleep. By the time you woke up for your middle of the night bottle, you seemed to be doing a lot better, and by morning you were back to your cheerful self. But, boy, hearing your terrified painful cries was awful!
You're getting bigger and stronger every day! Which makes it harder when you're wiggling and playing when you're supposed to be having your bottle. But when you're playing it's fun. We got you some new toys that should be good for you to practice grabbing stuff, and a stuffed rattling bug that hangs from your carseat handle. It's soft so it's not dangerous if it comes loose in an accident. You love it! Yesterday in the morning I put you in your carseat while I made your bottles for the day, and you were smiling at it, and talking to it, and staring at it for almost an hour!
Each day with you is a new adventure. I love you!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, June 6, 2011
TWO months old already?!
Dear Isabella,
Tomorrow you'll be two months old! Can you believe it? Neither can I. You are growing up so fast! There are little changes even day to day.
You sleep for longer, you're eating FIVE ounces at each bottle, and you are SO much more aware of your surroundings! Little milestones are so exciting for your Daddy and me. You can see farther and focus longer, so you watch as we move around the room. You coo and talk to people - and to the animals on your swing! You reach out to bat at the toys hanging from your bouncer. You love tummy time on the boppy - sometimes that's your favorite place to take a nap. Yesterday your Daddy SWORE that while we were in the car you actually picked up your own pacifier out of your lap. I bet it was by mistake, but it's still the first time you actually grabbed something and held on long enough to pick it up. And you've been finding your own fist to suck on lately too. It will be nice when you're able to pick up your pacifier and put it in your own mouth - I think we do that about a hundred times a day for you!
Every morning when I unwrap you from your swaddle, first your right arm gets unwrapped and it goes right up over your head like it was springloaded! Then I unwrap your left arm and that one goes flying up too! Then you arch your back and scrunch your face and moan a little as you streeeeeettttchhh... And then you rub your face a little and squirm around stretching some more. No matter how tired I am it makes me smile. It's one of my favorite parts of our day together.
You've had a lot of visitors this month! In fact, it's like we should have called it Grandparent's Month. First, we finally got everything hooked up for you to talk to your grandma in Mexico - and Abuela was so happy to see you! You also got to see her new puppy, Perlita. Hopefully one day we can get a puppy for you too. We also want you to video chat with Abuela a lot so she can talk to you in Spanish. A lot of the dresses you've been wearing are dresses she sent you. They are all so cute! Abuela has really great baby fashion sense!
Also, Great Grandma - my mom's mom - came all the way to Hawaii from Wisconsin to meet you! You gave her a whole lot of smiles while she was here. She even stayed over at our house to see a little of our "normal" evening life (admittedly not so exciting - bottle, nap, bath, bottle, swaddle, and goodnight!).
Finally, you got to meet some of your Hilo family. Grandpa and Lola and Aunty Cayla came for the weekend to see you. You smiled at Grandpa A LOT and on Sunday you were talking and talking and talking - more than I'd ever heard you talk in one "session" before!
Your Aunty Sari is in town for our 10 year high school reunion next week, so you met her on Saturday too. She said you're so precious, she might just want a baby of her own! Wow!
You sure had fun meeting everyone but I think it was an overwhelming weekend for you. You also have your first cold right now so those two things have made you over-tired and just sort of uncomfortable. Your little eyes are all red and watery, and I can hear the congestion in your chest when you breathe, poor little girl. But you're such a trooper. You'll be better in no time!
Oh Bella. I'm so in love with you. When I look at you I still can't believe how perfect you are. Your Daddy and I are so blessed. Now that life is sort of getting into a rhythm it's easier to really savor the little moments with you. And I'm trying to savor each little one as much as possible! I really have to video tape your morning stretch. I kept meaning to record video of you having your bottle because your little gulping, sucking, contented sighing noises, with your expressive eyes and eyebrows were so cute! But now you're focusing on your environment so much that you hardly do that anymore. When we're trying to capture your little habits, we can't procrastinate even one week.
Your two month check-ups are on Thursday. I can't wait to see how tall you got and how much you weigh. You're also going to get your first set of shots. I hope I don't cry!
I love you, Sweet Pea, and I'm so proud of you.
Love always,
Mommy
Tomorrow you'll be two months old! Can you believe it? Neither can I. You are growing up so fast! There are little changes even day to day.
You sleep for longer, you're eating FIVE ounces at each bottle, and you are SO much more aware of your surroundings! Little milestones are so exciting for your Daddy and me. You can see farther and focus longer, so you watch as we move around the room. You coo and talk to people - and to the animals on your swing! You reach out to bat at the toys hanging from your bouncer. You love tummy time on the boppy - sometimes that's your favorite place to take a nap. Yesterday your Daddy SWORE that while we were in the car you actually picked up your own pacifier out of your lap. I bet it was by mistake, but it's still the first time you actually grabbed something and held on long enough to pick it up. And you've been finding your own fist to suck on lately too. It will be nice when you're able to pick up your pacifier and put it in your own mouth - I think we do that about a hundred times a day for you!
Every morning when I unwrap you from your swaddle, first your right arm gets unwrapped and it goes right up over your head like it was springloaded! Then I unwrap your left arm and that one goes flying up too! Then you arch your back and scrunch your face and moan a little as you streeeeeettttchhh... And then you rub your face a little and squirm around stretching some more. No matter how tired I am it makes me smile. It's one of my favorite parts of our day together.
You've had a lot of visitors this month! In fact, it's like we should have called it Grandparent's Month. First, we finally got everything hooked up for you to talk to your grandma in Mexico - and Abuela was so happy to see you! You also got to see her new puppy, Perlita. Hopefully one day we can get a puppy for you too. We also want you to video chat with Abuela a lot so she can talk to you in Spanish. A lot of the dresses you've been wearing are dresses she sent you. They are all so cute! Abuela has really great baby fashion sense!
Also, Great Grandma - my mom's mom - came all the way to Hawaii from Wisconsin to meet you! You gave her a whole lot of smiles while she was here. She even stayed over at our house to see a little of our "normal" evening life (admittedly not so exciting - bottle, nap, bath, bottle, swaddle, and goodnight!).
Finally, you got to meet some of your Hilo family. Grandpa and Lola and Aunty Cayla came for the weekend to see you. You smiled at Grandpa A LOT and on Sunday you were talking and talking and talking - more than I'd ever heard you talk in one "session" before!
Your Aunty Sari is in town for our 10 year high school reunion next week, so you met her on Saturday too. She said you're so precious, she might just want a baby of her own! Wow!
You sure had fun meeting everyone but I think it was an overwhelming weekend for you. You also have your first cold right now so those two things have made you over-tired and just sort of uncomfortable. Your little eyes are all red and watery, and I can hear the congestion in your chest when you breathe, poor little girl. But you're such a trooper. You'll be better in no time!
Oh Bella. I'm so in love with you. When I look at you I still can't believe how perfect you are. Your Daddy and I are so blessed. Now that life is sort of getting into a rhythm it's easier to really savor the little moments with you. And I'm trying to savor each little one as much as possible! I really have to video tape your morning stretch. I kept meaning to record video of you having your bottle because your little gulping, sucking, contented sighing noises, with your expressive eyes and eyebrows were so cute! But now you're focusing on your environment so much that you hardly do that anymore. When we're trying to capture your little habits, we can't procrastinate even one week.
Your two month check-ups are on Thursday. I can't wait to see how tall you got and how much you weigh. You're also going to get your first set of shots. I hope I don't cry!
I love you, Sweet Pea, and I'm so proud of you.
Love always,
Mommy
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