Nothing Like It

Dear Isabella,

I wrote you a letter before you were born and I'm not sure when I will give it to you. I'm almost certain that part of it expressed how much I look forward to watching you forge your own path, and I still do want you to become your own person with your own destiny.

But I also hope deeply that one day you will have a daughter of your own. I watch you and think of you now as you near your second birthday and I am nearly overcome. (Really, I had to consciously turn my mind to another thought while I was grocery shopping today because I would have looked silly had I come to tears in the produce section!)

There is so much you can never understand unless you walk the path of being a mommy to a little girl. There is so much about my own relationship with my mom that I now understand on a deeper level.

There is nothing - NOTHING! - like the feelings I have when it comes to you: joy and hope, optimism at its purest, wonder at the smallest things like your happily serious facial expression when you are explaining something to me in language I can barely keep up with. The swell of pride when you do the simplest things - like demonstrating what a lever is! The excitement of wanting to watch you reach your milestones while in the same instant wanting to stop or even reverse time, and that tug of nostalgia for a time not even that far gone. The contradictory yet obvious coexistence of a deep fear that I will somehow fail you as a mommy, and utter confidence that while I will no doubt fail in some way (all parents do) you will be my greatest accomplishment simply because of your you-ness and God's grace. The terror of knowing one day very soon I will have to begin to let you go into the world and watch you get bruised and tumbled by our world of ever-growing complexity, and knowing that I will have to strike a balance between protecting my baby - a part of my very own soul - and letting you learn to protect yourself.

The feeling of having your heart walking around outside in this world of mayhem is at once exhilarating and horrifying - there is no vulnerability that can compare to having a child you love more than life itself. But the daily joys and overall depth of love is well worth the moments of stark fear. This is the reason I hope you one day can relate to me in this way.

You're almost two years old. I just cannot believe it. I love you more and more as you grow, and will be your mommy forever.

Love,
Mommy