As a Woman

Dear Isabella,

 I was walking from our apartment to Longs just now and I had to walk past a group of men. They weren't particularly menacing, and yet, they didn't feel totally harmless. And then I realized, to a woman walking alone, a group of men never feels 100% harmless no matter how well dressed, well educated or well mannered they seem. Age doesn't matter either - old men, young men, even teen boys provoke this uneasy feeling.

 I realized that in dealing with a situation like this it has become second nature to me - and doubtless most other women - to instantly evaluate my own posture, pace, facial expression, awareness. An encounter like this happens basically any time I am walking alone - day, dusk, or night.

 A woman must check herself at all times, but especially while walking alone or even as part of a pair. Too much bitchy resting face and you will be harassed to smile, or be asked what's wrong by strangers who at best just want to provoke a reaction. Too friendly, too smiley, and you become approachable and invite unwanted attention or worse. Too confident and you are inviting confrontation. Too timid and you appear to be easy prey.

 When you are waiting in line or at a bus stop or anywhere that people mill about, you walk a fine line between being impolite, and being careful not to invite conversation that may start out as polite small talk and quickly escalate into unintentionally "giving the wrong idea." When you are walking and you hear footsteps behind you, you must instantly decide whether to turn around to see who it is - if you do, will you give the wrong impression? If you do, you will then have to immediately control your reaction no matter who it is. Either way, you must decide whether to pick up the pace, or keep your stride and "act natural." You might alter your route to find a more heavily populated path or to test whether the person is following you.

 Almost every time, you will be fine. I personally have never been accosted. Chances are I won't be. However, in the past week alone, I have been catcalled from a passing car while waiting to cross the street near my office, endured suggestive and aggressive looks in the parking lot of Target, and today had to ignore the men I walked past as one whistled and another sucked his teeth at me. All of this before dark.

 A man will never experience this, at least not on an almost daily basis.

 I would hope and wish that by the time you grow up, our world will have changed so that you will not experience this either. But that is a futile wish. So how do I teach you to be on guard, yet maintain that pure kindness, openness, friendliness you have? An impossible task. I know that some of this wonderful innocence is a function of the fact that you are just four years old. But I also know that a lot of what makes you the beautiful person you are is your innate care for others, desire to engage, need to connect.

I cannot teach you how to steel yourself against a mean world yet urge you to keep yourself open. I hope that somehow as you grow you'll learn the delicate balance. I'm sorry that you will have to.

Love,
Mommy