Feelin Gross

I've been struggling the past couple days with feeling really gross and just sort of panicked about, "Oh my god, I'm never going to be thin again." I have a bit of a bump already, and it's only the 12th week, and I can feel my body, uh, "expanding" in other unfortunate areas as well.

I know at this point it's good to be gaining weight, slowly, and it's all part of the process, and normal. I know all that stuff in my head. But my emotions are just like, "Noooooo!!!!!"

It doesn't help that for the majority of my life (like since I was six) I've struggled with body image and weight. I used to pretend I had forgotten my leotard in my first grade dance class so I wouldn't have to wear it, opting instead to get in trouble. I had bouts of "disordered eating" (the newfangled term for just-barely-not-an-eating-disorder) through high school and in fact up until a couple of years ago. I've never had a healthy relationship with food and my own body.

It also doesn't help that "friends" feel like they can now, since I'm preggers, make comments about my expanding middle. Just the other night I was having dinner with Alex at his job, and one of his staff, sort of considered our friend, said, "Wow, if I didn't know you were pregnant I'd have to think you were packin' on some weight." I just gave him one of our family's well-known Pellerin Looks, as he laughed. Then he said, "You didn't think that was funny." No, I stated flatly. "Well I did," he replied, continuing to chuckle. Why is it that men would never comment on a woman's weight under normal circumstances, but feel like everything is free game once we're carrying a life?

The thing is, I know none of these comments are ill-natured. Mostly because the people making them are people Alex and I might consider friends or they're family. I also don't want to make MY body image issues an issue of out-of-proportion sensitivity. (Though when I told my closer friends about the above comment they were pretty offended for me as well.) These things don't even make me mad,really. Just uncomfortable. So I don't even feel comfortable asking people NOT to say these things. Like, I feel like it's MY hang-up to deal with.

Also, if we have a girl, I want to be able to model a good, healthy relationship to food and weight and fitness to our daughter. I don't want her having a skewed vision of herself down the line just because of my issues.

I don't know where I'm really going with this. Just that this in-between, showing-but-not-obviously-pregnant phase is tough. Especially because I feel like it's so early. That's all...

First Trimester Done!

Today is 12 weeks, and that means the first trimester is pretty much done! A friend of mine told me that when his wife hit twelve weeks it was like flipping a switch - her nausea was gone, fatigue was gone, all the awfulness was over! I was hoping I'd be the same. While the fatigue is still there somewhat - I fall asleep by 10pm most nights, and I used to be one of those that would gladly stay up till 2 or 3am - it's not like I'm ready to sleep for ten hours by the time lunchtime comes around anymore.

As for the nausea..I'm not sure if it's because the first trimester is finally over, or because I've cut down my dosage of calcium pills from three per day to once a day (I just drink lots of milk, like more than a gallon per week, and eat yogurt instead). I had a sneaking suspicion that the calcium supplements were what was making me sick at night, so about a week ago I cut out my morning and evening calcium pills because I drink at least a glass and a half of milk for breakfast and dinner anyway. Either way, I don't wake up at 1am with a fluttery tummy anymore. I'll still wake up in the middle of the night and be up for an hour or so most nights, but I've been like that my whole life anyway.

Our next appointment isn't for another three weeks, and while that's a good thing considering they take up time and a little bit of money (and no news is good news, at this point), it's a little disappointing that we won't get to see what Bean looks like until then. I'm not even sure if we'll get an ultrasound at that appointment, or if it's just a check-up with a heartbeat listen. Although, the heartbeat was almost more incredible than seeing Bean, so that will be exciting too.

I'm planning on making a baby play blanket with stars and a moon, once I retrieve my sewing machine from my mom's house - and now that I'm not so wiped out every day, that will be a good thing to keep me busy when Alex is at work most nights.

Maybe it's dumb, but we also started a wishlist on Amazon.com for books for the baby. It's a little silly because it's books like Dr. Seuss and Curious George and Courduroy, books I loved when I was little and want our baby to grow up with - but those are for little kids, not little babies. (And Dr. Seuss books are actually pretty long.) Still, books are expensive and we want to start the collection early! We already bought One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and Green Eggs and Ham, as well as a couple other books Alex remembers from when he was a kid. I'll be reading to Bean before birth, so I guess we'll put the books to use right away. :)

I also made two playlists of music. One is just mellow music, hopefully to help the baby sleep once it's born, and also to calm me down into a sleepy mood when I wake up in the middle of the night now. I put on the iPod and drift off. I know the baby still can't hear outside noises, but I want to get into the habit now, so when it can, I'm already playing music. Another playlist is songs that I love: bouncy happy songs, songs to sing along with, and songs I remember listening to with my parents (mostly my mom) when I was little. I figure once baby's born, and Alex is at work and I'm at home a lot of the time, I'll be able to spend musical time with the baby.

We're both so excited! I know time will pass quickly but for now we just can't wait!

Yikes!

So I guess you could say we had our first "scare" today. Yesterday I stayed home from work with minor cold symptoms and a very slight fever. Tylenol took care of the fever and TLC from Alex took care of the rest. No biggie. So I went back to work today, but twenty minutes into my shift something happened. I started to feel extremely overheated, sweaty, dizzy and weak. In the middle of dealing with a multitude of misbookings, customers checking in, an ancient reservation system, and customers interested in purchasing tickets, sounds and voices started to feel "far away," spots appeared in front of me, and I'm told my speech became slurred. I felt terrible about leaving Kamaile by herself but I also didn't want to pass out - especially not in front of guests. I staggered to the Ali'i Tower bathroom and relished the cold tile floor under me as I called Mom. (I realized soon after that I was in a public bathroom - a high end one, but still public - and sat on the chair instead.) "Tell me what to do," I told her. I've had dizzy spells before, and actually fainted and completely "knocked out" at least twice, so on the one hand, I knew what to do and what to expect. I knew in a little while it would go away. But on the other hand, everything I've ever read or heard says, if something weird happens in the first trimester, DON'T IGNORE IT. Mom agreed. The doctor's office wanted me to come in pretty much right away, which scared me a little. Hands shaking, I returned to the kiosk where Kamaile had dispersed the crowd, and I called my supervisors. They were totally understanding and my manager said, "Just go. Don't worry about your shift. Just go."

Mom wanted to pick me up from work but, stupidly, I was more worried about Mandy getting towed (Mandy is the car). Of course I called Alex too, and told him what was going on. Even though I told him not to leave work, that I would be fine and Mom was taking me to the doctor, he came right home. (What a great guy, right?!)

By the time we got to the doctor, I was feeling a lot better. I felt like such a drama queen. But Dr. Yamasato reassured us that we did the right thing, sent us for blood tests, and...we got to hear the heartbeat! She checked it to be sure Bean was doing fine and it was the most amazing thing we've ever heard! I wanted to just lie there and listen forever. I stared at Alex and felt so connected. I know I keep saying "it was the most amazing thing" but I guess that's part of being a new parent - everything, especially the "firsts," is more amazing than the thing before it.

God I just realized the word "parent" will soon apply to me. Somehow "Mom," and "Mommy" don't sound as daunting as "parent!" So official and responsible sounding. Yikes (the second one of the day)!

Ultrasound video

We had our second ultrasound yesterday! We were amazed at how much the baby grew and developed in just two weeks. Below is a video of a couple of clips we took during the ultrasound. Just as I stopped recording the first clip, little Bean started moving like crazy! Waving its little arm buds and wiggling around. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Of course, as soon as I started recording again, it got shy. Still, if you watch carefully, in the second clip you can kind of see its left arm waving a little. We're not sure if it was waving hello or saying, "Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here. Leave me alone!" You can't really see it in the video but we were sort of able to see the heart beating, too.

10 weeks and two days means I'm that much closer to being finished with the first trimester! Woohoo! Already I'm feeling a teeny bit less exhausted, and the "morning" sickness mostly occurs right after I've eaten and at night (unfortunately when I'm trying to sleep).

Enjoy the video! (Try the first one first, it has audio. Youtube disabled my audio but if the first one doesn't work on your computer silent is better than nothing, right?)

A Bit of a Rant

I just want to set a few things straight.

1) I'm about ten weeks, or two months, along. Which means that no, I'm not "showing" a "baby bump" yet. In fact according to the literature, our baby is about an inch long or maybe a little more. So that "bump" you may be inclined to point out is really just gas, fat, and uterus. So for the sake of my ego please resist the urge to coo over and pet my bloated belly.

2) That brings me to my next rant. Please don't touch me. Resist all temptation to reach out and pat what you perceive as my baby bump. Even when I start to "show," that baby bump is still ME. I'm not a real touchy-feely person to begin with, hugs are awkward for me usually, and having a cute creature inside of me doesn't change that. You would ask before petting my dog, right? So ask before petting my baby too, please. (For the record, for now, the answer will be a universal "no.")

3) Not that it's anyone's business, but no, Alex and I don't have plans to get married immediately. Unless your name is Joan, Balladyna, Clarence, Nick or Jane, we really don't care if you think we should get married. In fact, we find unsolicited advice to rush into marriage quite offensive. A baby's arrival doesn't equal a prescription for marriage, because as far as we were aware, this isn't 1952. Marriage, for us, is about committing to another person in love and partnership for the rest of our lives. It's not about a legal contract, or legal benefits or insurance. It's more important to model a healthy, loving relationship for a child than to be "traditional" and force each other into a committment based solely on circumstance. Our experiences with unhealthy and failed marriages within each of our immediate and extended families make us especially adamant about this. So keep your unnecessary opinions to yourself thank you.

That being said, the vast majority of our friends and family have been nothing but happy, excited, and supportive. We appreciate the positive energy and love you for it. We have another ultrasound coming up so stay tuned for a visual update!

First ultrasound!

Oh my gosh, I was already called out for being a blogging slacker! Haha, sorry, but first trimester exhaustion is making life pretty - well, exhausting. I wake up early, make some breakfast, take a shower and head off to work. After work I'm so wiped out and starving that I take a shower, eat some dinner and conk out until about 1 or 2am. Then I'm up for a couple of hours until I give in and eat a small snack to make the nausea go away, and then I fall asleep again. It's a sad routine. And it's frustrating that I have no energy to even turn on the computer when I get home.

Someone asked me the other day how I feel so far about pregnancy - I told them, "To be honest, so far it sucks." People talk about loving being pregnant, how great they feel. So far for me, it's equated mostly just to constant low-level nausea, an exhaustion that feels like the flu, insomnia worse than I already had it, and a need to pee that makes the phrase "frequent urge to urinate" a joke. Even when I'm peeing, I need to pee. They tell me the second trimester is great. Only four more weeks to go...

But on a happier note, we had our first ultrasound on Tuesday! We found out that the actual due date is April 14th, based on the size of the fetus. We even saw the heartbeat. It's a pretty weird concept to know this little creature is growing inside of me. The book (What to Expect When You're Expecting) says our little bean is about the size of a raspberry right now. I bet it's red and bumpy like a raspberry too. Heehee, sorry Bean, not to tease or anything. :)

Anyway below is a copy of the ultrasound, labeled by my doctor. Our first baby picture! :)