FOUR months?!

Dear Isabella,

I don't think I can keep up! I only wrote you one letter in July. It's much harder now that I'm back at work. I want to spend all my time off enjoying you (or enjoying sleep, if you're at Grandma's house...) and making memories. But I do have to remind myself to stop in here a little more often so I can remember those memories later. :)

You are growing so fast. I know I say that all the time. But it's just too true. You have your FOUR month check up this coming Saturday. All through July when people ask me how old my baby is, I told them, "Oh about three months old." Now BAM! you're already four months old.

You're much bigger. Even Auntie Gladys said when I picked you up today that you grew so much in the two weeks she was on vacation. When we have you in the swing or bouncer we have to make sure you're buckled in very securely - or you'll pull yourself up trying to sit forward! You've been practicing rolling over, and today Auntie Gladys said you rolled over from your back to your tummy all by yourself. I think you've done that at Grandma and Grandpa's house a couple times too - but not at home yet.

Daddy has been teaching you how to pick up your pacifier and put it in your own mouth - you're slowly getting it. But you're having trouble aiming it so the right part goes in your mouth! It's so fun to watch you get better day by day though.

Speaking of getting better...you were sick for a couple weeks recently. Out of nowhere you suddenly had the runs! And at first Daddy and I weren't too worried - little kids and babies have that all the time. Also, it really didn't seem to bother you at all. But after a week, it didn't get better by itself, and we took you to the doctor. When we saw that the pediatrician was worried, that's when we got worried. They ran some tests and everything came back negative! Nobody knew what was wrong. We switched your formula (again!) and it seemed to get better but by then it had already been almost two weeks so we weren't sure if it was just coincidence and timing. Plus, you seemed to have a little bit of a sore tummy on the soy formula, and you weren't sleeping as well. So just to see, we switched back and it turns out it must have just been timing. You're much better now and back to normal.

Except for your bedtime. It took a little while longer to get you back on a regular eating schedule - when you were having the runs you also got your eating all messed up. And because your eating was all funny, you kept waking up in the night hungry - you haven't done that in at least a month! (Just when I was telling everyone how amazing it was that you sleep from 8pm to 6am...) So Daddy and I asked Grandpa and Grandma and Auntie Gladys to help us keep you on a new eating and napping schedule to try and get your back on track. We are making slow progress with your night time sleep.

You also started laughing! Your laugh is so cute! We have a couple videos of you giggling at Daddy and I watch them over and over. Hearing you laugh makes a bad day not matter. Just like seeing your big, big smile in the morning makes it easier to wake up no matter how tired I am.

You really are growing and learning so fast, my girl. You reach for things and grab them like a pro. You're starting to learn your own name. It's amazing how fast time has passed - it feels like just yesterday you were this tiny little wiggle worm sleeping next to me in your bassinet, but at the same time it feels like two lifetimes ago that we just brought you home. You're only four months old but I already sometimes miss when you were littler - like when you slept next to me. Please don't grow too quickly my little Bean. I need to slow time down. I want to never forget how precious it is when your teeny tiny little hand rests on my arm as you fall asleep, or how strong your grip is when you clasp your hand around my finger when you have your bottle. I always want to remember the sound of your little voice around a big yawn, and the funny little gasp with raised eyebrows when I pour warm water over you to rinse you at the end of the bath. I try to memorize the silly way you put your feet together like praying hands and the way you grab at your toes, and how if I put my finger in your hand at night it calms you down.

I love you so much and I am excited to see you grow and get to know what kind of person you are going to be, but don't be in any kind of rush, okay? Let's enjoy the ride together. You'll always be my baby girl.

Love you too much,
Mommy

30 Days! More hopes and fears...

We are 30 days away from our due date! This is so exciting! I was talking to Kat last night and telling her how I just want to meet our baby already! I can't stand waiting at this point. (And not just because my belly now rests on my lap when I sit upright in a chair...) We want to see what she looks like, hear her voice, smell her (after they've wiped her down at least...), and just HOLD her!

I'm getting a little anxious about labor and the first few days, but not really. What I'm anxious about, more, is a little vain, actually. I am totally convinced that I am going to need a tummy tuck after this child-bearing business is all finished. Everyone in person keeps telling me, "Nahhh you haven't actually gained that much weight - your belly is big but the rest of you is the same," and "Don't worry I bet you'll be one of those people that just loses all the weight fast." Alex keeps telling me not to worry and I'll be back to prepregnancy size in no time. But trust me, the way my clothes fit, I can tell it's not just my belly that has expanded (and even if it was - all that skin!). I mean, I admit, I'm lucky that our doctor is a crazed psycho that monitors my diet and weight way more than anyone has ever heard of, because it's true that I haven't gained a TON of weight. But my butt and thighs are definitely more uh, sturdy..and my arms and back are notably fleshier (back fat is the WORST!). And (okay brace yourself or skip ahead because this part is totally gross) there's this band of flesh just under my belly and above my pubic area like where the waistband of normal people's low-rider jeans would go, that is like spongy and soft and totally pinch-able and it is NOT part of the hard, uterine, pregnancy belly. It is pure unadulterated FAT. And if everyone is really expecting that I'll just shrink back, oh God the pressure...

But I digress. Talking to Kat last night, I was telling her that okay, I have this really unavoidable pregnant belly that is 110% impossible to forget, but sometimes I still don't feel like all this is real. Like, I'm going to be a Mom. Alex is going to be a Dad. We're going to have a real, live, human baby in like less than a month. We're going to be parents FOREVER. This baby will grow up into a person. I look at my friends' kids that I've watched grow maybe over the past five or six years and I just can't imagine what our lives will look like in five or six years. I mean, really, every time I take a moment to think back even ONE year (no matter what time of year it is, not just on occasions), I realize I NEVER would have imagined that in just a year my life would look like this (whatever "this" is at the moment I have this periodic revelation). I can't even imagine what our day-to-day life will look like in two months, let alone a year. Life is amazing if you stop and let yourself get carried away with thinking about all this.

I fear what our society will look like in the future as Isabella grows up. Things were so much simpler when Alex and I were kids. I know that's true for every generation. I hope we can give her as much time to be a kid, be innocent, be carefree, as possible (without raising a totally clueless, spoiled brat of course). We really want to give her a childhood she can cherish and remember fondly. We were both lucky in that even though our parents may have had some harder times, and there were things we may have been aware of "before our time," we both had happy, healthy childhoods and in the end we always knew the security of unconditional love. In the end, that's all we really want for our daughter - health, happiness, security, and curiosity. The rest tends to take care of itself.

Updates updates updates!

Quick updates! (Well, as quick as I can - you know me!)

We finished the walls in Isabella's wall - added pink trim. Also bought the frames for most of her wall art and printed the photos (we used our own photos). Just need to clean up, set up the crib, and hang the photos and I will post pictures of her room again!

We also got a new video camera with money and gift cards we got for Christmas from Mom and Nick and Uncle Bill! The Kodak Zi8 is similar to the new Flip pocket sized video camera. We're still learning how to use all of its functions, but so far it's pretty easy and intuitive. It's really light and about the size of a Blackberry Torch, so I think it will be really convenient for when Isabella is born. It turns on easily and is ready to shoot immediately and can be operated with one hand. It will be great for capturing short videos of her cute little moments. Below is a video I made practicing by recording Orange playing with his ball and getting agitated by the birds on our lanai.



We also went to Hilo (plane tickets were another gift from Mom and Nick for Christmas - thank you!) so the Dad and Nana and Cayla could see the Bella Bump and so Alex could meet my grandma and Aunty Felipa. We just went for the day (since we only have one day off together each week), and it was nice to spend time, talking story, catching up. We sure were tired when we came home at night though! One thing that was pretty hilarious - when my grandma saw me and asked if we had picked a name yet, and we told her, she made the most sour face! She did not like the name Isabella at all! I told her, "Grandma, you're the first person in the world that told us they didn't like it!" She couldn't really pinpoint why. And she wouldn't tell us what she would rather we name her - "No, no, the parents have to choose the name," she said over and over when we asked her. I suppose it would have been sort of insulting if she was more "aware" - she suffers from dementia. But because of her condition, we thought it was pretty funny.

We have another doctor appointment coming up soon, and lots to do to prepare for Isabella. I wonder if we'll get another ultrasound at all? I hope so! With so much left to do and so many things coming up (two baby class series start in March - Infant Care and Prepared Childbirth), it seems like the homestretch is going to go by quickly!

As much as I've ranted about random really tough things throughout the pregnancy, I do know that there is one thing I will totally miss about being pregnant: feeling her move all the time. It's this deep connection I feel every time I feel her move, even when I'm in the middle of doing something that takes almost all my attention, like at work for example. Feeling her move so often makes me feel like when she's born I won't want to be away from her ever! I know I'll be exhausted a lot, and probably will really crave some "me" time, but knowing me, I'll spend any moment away with at least half my mind on her - what is she doing, is she okay, how is she feeling, when can I get back to her...

And yet I can't wait till she's born and we start getting to know her! Will she be a girly-girl, or a tomboy? Will she be shy or outgoing? Will she like books and school as much as I did? Will she have as much attitude as I do (if she has half as much, Alex and I are in serious trouble!) or will she be easy-going? What other things have we not even imagined? It's exciting to wonder about, but we're also anxious!

Religion and spirituality

One of the things that Alex and I have talked about (and are completely on the same page about, luckily) is our stance on religion, spirituality, God and how a child learns about all these things. Both of us come from Catholic families who sort of tried to raise us as Catholics but weren't entirely enthusiastic about the follow through. We were both baptized, both of us had first communion, both of us went to Catechism ("Sunday School"). That was about as far as it went. I went to a private school that was Protestant in foundation but more secular and "spiritual" than religious. "Chapel" was a weekly event at my school, where scripture was read and the Lord's Prayer sang together, but where the Catholic equivalent of the homily - where the scripture is interpreted and applied to our relevant life - was the main focus.

The result of the half-finished religious educations for both of us was at least a frame of reference from which to view other religions and from which to experience other forms of spirituality - and a decided resolve that while we believe in God, we do not believe the Catholic Church is the only way nor the best way to experience closeness with God. (For me, the label "God" is simply comfortable and convenient - I do not imagine a necessarily fatherly figure, or a Christian person with flowing robes, nor do I imagine, really, anyone in particular. It is just easier to pick a name of some sort for now, rather than coming up with some all-encompassing, descriptive and "accurate" name - especially since God cannot be described so easily.)

I feel lucky that I stumbled into a Philosophy minor in college; the classes exposed me in an objective way to Eastern religions, faiths, and philosophies which I personally find more useful and relevant in any pursuit of closeness with God and application to making life more meaningful.

So my point is that we're in agreement that we don't want Isabella to be raised within any particular religion. We both feel that we are able to have a personal relationship with God and Spirit because of our rather fragmented religious experiences, but that we are very determined that Isabella should choose her own path in this matter. If she grows up and wants to be a very devout Catholic, and that brings her peace and helps her be close with God and guides her morally, then that's great. If she grows up and decides that Buddhism is the way she feels most comfortable pursuing spirituality, then that's great too. As it goes with really any religion she might discover suits her, or if she, like us, decides she doesn't need a specific doctrine to feel spiritually healthy.

But how does a child choose if they don't have a starting point? We both started with Catholicism and decided what we liked and didn't like about it and went from there. A child can't choose their path to spirituality if they are never placed at the beginning of the journey.

And does choosing bits and pieces from different faiths and practices really just turn out to be a cop out? I, personally, think the Lord's Prayer is absolutely touching and true and so I take that from the Christian world. But I also feel that the practice of meditation found in many Eastern religions and sects is much more effective in spiritual growth as well as in moral guidance than going to church could ever be. Am I just picking and choosing what is convenient or easier for me?

I digress. Our hope for Isabella is that she will find "God" in her own way - whatever is most comfortable and most successful for her. I am impressed by the Amish practice to let their youth go out and experience the non-Amish "outside" world for as long as they feel they need to - the majority of these young adults do choose to return to the austere Amish experience and faith, even after experiencing all the pleasures and temptations of the contemporary world. Likewise, we want to find a way that both gives her a starting point like we had, and also gives her the freedom to question it.