Two Weeks Old!

Dear Isabella,

You're two weeks old today! We are learning more and more about how to take care of you as best as possible and make you happy as much as possible every day. Having a newborn sure is like being a detective. Or a lab scientist. Hypothesize, experiment, evaluate... It's been another roller coaster week, my little Bean, let me tell you. Just when we think we have something figured out, you change your mind or something else comes up.

You had your two week check up a couple days early because of Daddy's work schedule, on Tuesday, and the doctor said even though you have so much trouble staying asleep, you are doing perfectly. You weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces, just half an ounce less than your birth weight, which is great. In fact your weight, length, and head measurements are all at exactly the 50th percentile mark. You, my dear, are literally exactly "normal."

We discovered you really like co-sleeping - but don't tell any of the doctors, they say it's too dangerous. Grandma also discovered you like the mobile in your crib, and the vibration in your swings and bouncer and playpen. You also get really interested in music.

You make funny faces when you're making a diaper - usually you get really still and make a tiny "O" with your mouth and your eyes get a little wide and round.

You are already very opinionated! When you don't want something we offer (like your pacifier) you make the most sour, irritated face. And once you decide you do want something (like your pacifier) you want it NOW! You seem to have a bit of a temper also - once you decide you're hungry or want to be carried (so, always) you get angry so fast. Crying and squirming and so red!

Mommy wasn't doing so good this week, angel. On Sunday I was on the phone with your Grandma, and suddenly became very cold. I was shivering and had goosebumps and I could tell my skin was cold because you didn't like it when I touched you. I asked Grandma, "Isn't it supposed to be Kona winds or really hot or something?" she said yes, the weather hadn't changed. I didn't really pay much attention, just turned off the fan. When you got too hot we moved into our bedroom, turned on the AC and I hid under the covers. But all day Monday I was hot and cold and had sweats and chills. I called the doctor and she said to call Tuesday if I was still feverish and to just watch the fever to make sure it didn't rise. Well, Monday night it started rising really fast. I had you by myself and the body aches and weakness was starting to scare me. When my fever got to be 103.5 I asked your Daddy to come home from work so we could go to the hospital, and your Grandma came all the way from Kaneohe to babysit you at 10pm. In the ER, they took me right away, and when they took my temperature it was 104.2! Your body can start to cook itself after 104 degrees or you could go into shock! They gave me Tylenol and IV fluids, and took a LOT of blood for blood tests. After a couple hours they still didn't know what it was - they didn't even know if it was a virus or bacterial infection. They did say it wasn't the flu, and we were glad - we were so worried if I had given YOU the flu. My fever came down a little and they told us to follow up with our doctor the next day. Finally on Tuesday, the doctor diagnosed me with mastitis - with also a possible uterine infection! Double whammy! They prescribed antibiotics and to follow up again today. Turns out the infection actually got worse instead of better, and now I'm on TWO different antibiotics - and one of them isn't safe for breast milk.

This whole week the amount I've been able to pump for you has gotten less and less, and now it looks like we have to supplement with formula. Before this started I was pumping enough to have extra to store for later but now I'm hardly making any, and on top of that with the medicine I have to dump it anyway. We're still not sure your tummy can handle the formula we have. If not we'll have to go through several days of experimenting with different formulas, and that means your tummy might hurt more than usual.

Isabella, honey, I'm so, so sorry. I feel like this is my fault, and I've already failed you somehow. Mastitis usually starts with a blocked milk duct, which usually happens if you stop or reduce pumping or nursing too abruptly. This past weekend I started skipping pumping sessions instead of pumping EVERY time you eat, so I could sleep more. Then my duct got blocked and then infected, and for a couple days I could hardly take care of you - Daddy and Grandma did pretty much everything because I was so feverish and weak (Thank goodness we have them!). And now my milk is going away AND now I have to stop giving it to you anyway (temporarily, but it keeps getting less and less, even in the uninfected breast)! All because I got lazy and selfish about how inconvenient pumping is! I know there are lots of really healthy kids whose mommies never gave them breastmilk at all, or whose mommies also had to stop for a lot of other reasons, and they are just fine, and I know it doesn't mean I don't love you enough. But I also know breastmilk is the BEST thing for you and I feel like if I could help it I should give as much as possible. And I feel like I totally could have prevented this. I know it doesn't make sense to feel so guilty and sad about it but I do. I'm sorry, Baby Bean. I hope my milk comes back for you when I get rid of this infection.

You're growing so much every day, little girl. When I show you outside you look interested, and I keep promising you we can go explore more soon. Things keep coming up. Maybe in this next week I'll be able to bring you out and you can see what things look like outside of home and doctor's offices. I hope so.

I love you so much, and your Daddy and I still tell each other every day how lucky we both feel to have been blessed with you. Even on the toughest days, you hold my heart in your beautiful eyes.

Love always,
Your Mommy