Holding Hands

Dear Isabella,

When I'm giving you your good night bottle and rocking you, you still grab my finger and hold on so tight. And I love that. I hope you hold my hand tight for a very long time.

I love you,
Mommy

First Christmas!

Dear Isabella,

Today is Christmas and it's your first one! Santa came while you were sleeping and left a stocking full of goodies. Here are some pictures!

Love,
Mommy

Almost Christmas!

Dear Isabella,

Are you excited? It's almost your first Christmas! You're still a bit too little to understand but it's still fun for me and Daddy and all your grandparents and everyone who loves you.

You can feed yourself little Gerber puffs now and it's fun to watch you. You sometimes use two hands - one holding the puff to put it in your mouth and the other hand to help guide the direction. It's so cute!

You are getting faster and faster at crawling too. And you're very smart - sometimes almost too smart! You're starting to get a little rascal and testing your limits - you're bound by your curiosity to push the boundaries!

So far you love bananas, oatmeal, peas, chicken, green beans, carrots and purple sweet potato. You've had a lot of other stuff too but those are your favorites.

You sleep really well most nights, all the way through and I have to admit sometimes I want to go into your room in the middle of the night and hold you like a bear or doll. You're so perfect and cuddly!

I love you, Bean. I hope you have a wonderful first Christmas!

Love,
Mommy

More "Firsts"

Dear Isabella,

The firsts for this week:

Applesauce: For now, not a fan at all!
Zucchini: Yum! More! More!
Grass: I'm so curious but I think it feels weird and I don't like it...

We also skipped your bath last night for the first time since it became part of your normal bedtime ritual! You were just too tired. So to make sure we got you clean today, I fed you veggies at 6:15, bath at 6:30 and now it's not even 7pm and you're sleeping in my arms. As you get more active you resist naps and now your bedtime is almost an hour earlier than it was before! Phew, you wear yourself out.

I love you, little Bean. Can you grow a little slower?

Love,
Mommy

Favorite Foods

Dear Isabella,

You are learning all kinds of new flavors. So far your favorites are carrots and oatmeal. You also like sweet potato and roast beef and chicken breast. You like peas too. You've had squash and today you tried Okinawa purple sweet potato. Your absolute favorite is still your milk of course.

You're a growing girl and it seems like you're getting the hang of eating big people food. I'm so proud of you!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving!

Everyone else had too much turkey! Isabella had roast beef and carrots. Kanak attack!

Pictures!

Here are some pictures of Isabella trying to eat the furniture (silly girl!) and in her first set of Christmas pajamas.

Happy Holidays Bella Bean!

Dear Isabella,

Tomorrow is your first Thanksgiving! And boy do we have a lot to be thankful for.

This week you started eating meat. So far you've had chicken, tomorrow we'll have you try roast beef.

You pull yourself to standing confidently and I bet you'll be standing all by yourself soon.

You're so grown up already, Bean. We don't swaddle you for bed anymore. We stopped that about a week ago. No more Bean burritos.

Thank you for being the cutest, sweetest little daughter we could have ever hoped for sweetheart. We love you more than anything in the world.

Love,
Mommy

Post Partum TRUTH

It's time for a little dose of the TRUTH. It has been roughly seven months since I popped out a creature the size of a small watermelon. I'm not exaggerating - she was about eight and a half pounds, and the last watermelon I bought was just over eight pounds. That alone will destroy your body, let me tell you. I won't get into details because I think male members of my family read this and details will be awkward, not to mention details about that would be overshare in general even for me. But I will tell you this. You know how they say "it's what's on the inside that counts"? And you know how they say having kids changes everything? Well, you'll never be the same again. Ever. (Okay so it's only been seven months so that's not "forever" but I'm pretty sure this is permanent.) And no, exercises are not the cure. But although that was the biggest shocker and most disturbing thing I have found so far, there's a lot of other stuff they mislead you about or leave out or gloss over. For example, before I became an incubator, I had the general self image that I looked better naked than with clothes on - unfortunate since I'm not a stripper or adult film star. Not that I had the body of a stripper or adult film star or anything like that. (Okay reign it in, Lauren.) But I had proportions that made clothes fit less-than-perfectly, which made me feel awkward, which made me sit and stand awkwardly, which then made my already less-than-perfect proportions even less perfect looking. The absence of clothes sort of helped, in my opinion, because there wasn't fabric pushing and pulling and squeezing and mushing in all the wrong areas. But now, clothing allows me to conceal that abhorrent sack of skin attached to the front of me that refuses to retract, despite the lack of enlarged uterus and growing creature that made the exponential multiplication of skin surface area necessary. Clothing also allows me to mask my enlarged buttocks beneath tent-like "A-line" dresses and "flowy and tunic-like" tops. Clothing allows me to prop up my deflated, flattened, and sad bosom. Okay, you say, but everyone complains about that stuff. Yes, true. And they also tell you that a couple of months after you give birth or stop breastfeeding, or whenever (I stopped reading the WTE newsletter when it kept telling me that all my complaints were "normal" like that helps or something), you will begin to lose a lot of your hair. They tell you all sorts of scientific reasons and tell you that it may be alarming, and of course that it is normal. But then you start to literally see bald spots. And you find yourself sweeping up a wigful of hair twice a day (or if you're lazy like me you just notice a wigful of hair on the bathroom floor and try not to step on it with wet feet). You find that you are shedding more hair than your cat and you notice how very white your scalp is when it is bald. And if you're like me, and you had a lot of thick - too thick - hair your whole life, you start to panic even though you know it's "normal." You may read on websites that taking prenatal vitamins will help (it doesn't). You may find out that you should wash your hair with oatmeal (don't). You may ask your doctor and get a condescending smile. And just when you're starting to give Rogaine serious consideration...nope it's still falling out. (You thought I was going to say don't worry, it gets better.) But then you see little baby hairs coming in. And in a moment of irony you think, aw cute I'm growing hair just like [insert your baby's name here]. So even though your hair is falling out at an alarming rate, you can see that the condescending smile from the doctor was warranted (still annoying though). And you have a new hair style that accommodates patches of short hair spiking out randomly. One more ugly truth - you may notice that your skin is less elastic and just generally looks older. Although, if you're a younger mom than me you might be able to confirm my suspicion that this skin issue is not related to pregnancy and is actually related to the fact that I'm pushing 30 (and contrary to popular perception I did have bouts of sun-binging in my past life so there is probably some sun damage factoring in here). The unfair part about it though, regardless of whether that's a post-partum thing or an age thing, is that your hormones are still in flux (I just learned today they will be in flux for 2-3 years from the birth of your child - hooray for partners who have to weather that long-ass storm). Therefore you are prone to breakouts. But the most jacked up part of all of that is that you won't just have breakouts on your T-zone like in high school. Not even just your T-zone plus backne. If you're like me, you'll get pimples on your legs or earlobes - I even had one on my forearm. Gross. But you know that silly thing they say about your baby being worth it all? It's totally true. If your kid is as cool as mine (doubtful, but hopefully for you he or she will be a close second), you'll look at him or her and totally forget the insanely itchy skin during your pregnancy or the debilitating acid reflux (that you may still suffer from occasionally). You will not remember the elephant cankles you had, or the inability to stand more than ten minutes for fear of your hips collapsing. And by the time your baby is seven months of age, you may struggle to recall what a floppy newborn feels like in your arms. And beware because this is nature's trick! This amnesia is built into our minds and bodies the same way hunger and a fear of large toothy animals is. This amnesia is the only reason our species has survived. Because if the first cavewomen remembered how awful pregnancy was and how difficult the first few months of motherhood can be, they would not have had more than one child each. And then those first-borns would have been eaten by large toothy animals, and we would not be here. Instead, we forget all the awful stuff, we look at our child and think he or she is the greatest ever (too bad we all know mine is the greatest ever), and we think, "Wow, that wasn't so bad."

Abuela de Mexico

Dear Isabella,

Your grandma from Mexico (your Abuela) went back home last weekend - she was here for almost three weeks and you had such fun!

It was the first time you met her but you loved her right away. She told you stories and played with you and took care of you almost every day she was here. She sang you songs and talked to you in Spanish too.

You and Daddy took her to the zoo and shopping too. She bought you your jumper at Babies R Us. Now when Daddy Skypes with her on Mondays you'll remember her and when you see her again next year you'll be so happy!

When you get a little bigger we'll take you to visit her in Mexico too. And you'll see where Daddy grew up.

Until then, we'll have to count on Abuela to bring a little Mexico to you every so often.

Love,
Mommy

Bouncy bouncy bouncy!

Dear Isabella,

You are seven months old today and here are your latest milestones: You have teeth! Two, we think. We can't see them very clearly because you clamp your mouth shut when we try to look. But when you chew on our fingers we think we feel two (we know there's at least one sharp little guy in there) on the bottom.

You crawl on all fours now and go from lying down to sitting up like an old pro. In fact, you have been trying to climb up on us and on the furniture since before you could truly crawl. You really prefer being upright.

You experienced your first Halloween - we dressed you up as a little pink Crayola crayon. Me and Daddy and Great Grandma and Grandma and Abuela also wore crayon hats and we took you to Ala Moana to see the other children's costumes. And while we were there you sat in your first restaurant high chair! What a big girl.

You love to bounce on someone's knee and your Abuela from Mexico bought you a jumper to sit and jump in which you exercise in every day.

You love sweet potatoes and oatmeal and you do pretty good with your other vegetables too. Pretty soon we'll be moving on to meats. How exciting!

Daddy and I got married last week but you were the real star. After the wedding on Thursday we spent the weekend at Turtle Bay and left you at home with Abuela. We missed you so much! And we were worried you would forget us! But when we came home you were all smiles and happy to see us.

What an exciting couple of weeks! And guess what? Christmas is coming soon! Oh boy I can't wait!

Love,
Mommy

Solid Food!

Dear Isabella,

What an exciting weekend you had! Not only your check up, but your first "solid" foods too!

On Sunday we made you your first rice cereal. If I were to guess from your reaction, I would say it got "mixed reviews." Eventually you got the hang of it and by Monday night, you were a rice cereal pro!

We took hundreds of pictures (I'm not even exaggerating) but here are just a few. If you ever have a little brother or sister I wonder if his or her first solids will be recognized with such pomp and circumstance?

Love,
Mommy

Six Month Check Up

Dear Isabella,

Yesterday was your six month "birthday!" And today you had your check up. You're 25.5 inches tall (that's more than 2 feet tall!) and 17 pounds. Getting bigger every day!

We're going to start you on solids tomorrow (although they should really called it "mushies," not solids). Everyone's excited to see how you'll like it. Also we'll start you on vitamins.

You had two shots today - a flu shot and a polio vaccine. You're at Grandma and Grandpa Nick's house tonight - I hope your shots don't make you too fussy or feverish.

I love you my Bean, don't grow too fast okay?

Love,
Mommy

Terrible Twos?

Dear Isabella,

Have we reached a six month version of the terrible twos? You are quite the tantrum thrower the past couple of days! Especially today.

This morning was the first day ever that you didn't wake up with a smile. You were cranky and crying and mad at Daddy when he was changing you - I could even hear you when I was in the shower! Then when I picked you up after work Grandpa said you had a couple of tantrums this afternoon. One was after you fell over from sitting up (he said you hardly bonked your head at all!) and one was when he put you down in your play yard to make you a bottle.

Then tonight you were happily chewing on your washcloth (your current favorite tub toy - you love chewing on cloth for some reason) and suddenly you were crying and screaming. I checked and the water was the way you like it and nothing bit or pinched you. You just decided you'd had enough and you didn't stop till you were dried, dressed and sitting in the rocker with your bottle.

You certainly have an opinion nowadays, and your mind can't easily be changed. Oh boy if this is what six month old attitudes are like, Daddy and I are in for some trouble...

But you're still my pretty angel. Look at you sleeping.

I love you, Sweet Pea. Goodnight.

Love,
Mommy

Almost Crawling!

Dear Isabella,

You are almost crawling my dear! You're a pro at rolling over, spinning in circles on your tummy like a helicopter, and now you can push yourself backwards with your strong little arms. Though I don't think that last one is quite on purpose yet!

You have mastered retrieving and aiming your pacifier. At night we swaddle you with one arm out - we're starting to ween you out of your "magic blanket".

At your bedtime bottle you do the cutest thing - you cover your eyes with your chubby little hands, or sometimes you have one palm on your forehead above your brow as if to say, "Whew! What a day!"

Your favorite toys are your apple, crinkly elephant, piano, and rattle ball.

It's almost time to start solid foods. We're excited and nervous! Well my Bean, you're getting to be quite the big little girl. I'm so proud of you.

Love you,
Mommy

Isabella's First Cold

Dear Isabella,

You had your first cold earlier this week. Poor little Bean. Your nose was runny and your eyes were watery and you felt warm (thermometer said no fever though - just like me and Grandma when we're sick too). You couldn't sleep and you wanted your pacifier but you kept dropping it because you had to breathe through your mouth.

And poor Daddy - he slept in the living room to be closer to your room because you kept waking up.

Luckily you got better really quick, and now you're back to your old self. When you weren't feeling well you still weren't very fussy anyway! Just a little less smiley and a little more tired and needing cuddles.

You're such a trooper! I'm glad you're better my dear.

Love you!
Mommy

Hello, Orange!

Dear Isabella,

You had another great weekend, sweet Bean! You spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa Nick's house on Saturday and when you came home to me and Daddy you spent the whole day playing with us. You practiced your rolling over of course, and practiced sitting up with me and Daddy. You're getting stronger every day!

You also pet Orange all by yourself for the first time! He jumped up on the couch while you were up there with me and Daddy and instead of running away when he saw you he sat and looked at you. You reached out with both your hands and he let you touch him - you even sort of hit him once or twice before we stopped you. But he didn't mind at all. Then you sort of grabbed a fistful of fur and started pulling so we put an end to that! But it was nice to see him so tolerant and you were so curious! Just try not to pull his fur or tail ok? And stay away from his paws - he doesn't like to hold hands like we do.

Well my Bean, you're in bed now and hopefully you sleep all night. You were pretty tired before your bath. I love you!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Isabella - trying to catch up!

Dear Isabella, Oh my dear. I keep falling further and further behind in my posts. Guess what, sweetie! You're turning over (and over and over and over) like a pro now! And you can swim yourself in circles on your blanket on the floor too. Daddy and I got a new entertainment center (actually a dresser) so you can't get into the DVDs and electronics when you start to crawl. You still haven't sprouted your first tooth but you're sure working on it. I can tell some days your gums are just so, so itchy. You want to put everything in your mouth all the time! You're much more aware and interested in things lately - if that was even possible. You've always been an alert little Curious George. Your personality shows more and more each day, and once you've made up your mind about something you're pretty hard to convince otherwise - if you're hungry, you're HUNGRY and if you want a particular toy a substitute will only distract for a few seconds. You keep going through different sleep stages. This week you've been a great sleeper, waking up only once or not at all, and even then only for your pacifier. But I know that won't last long - you keep tricking us into thinking you've learned to sleep through the night only to start waking up several times a night for a week or two! I have to bathe you in the big person tub now (even though we put your baby tub inside the big person tub and use that), because you're such a daredevil. You can't quite sit up by yourself yet but you can get yourself into the sitting position from semi-reclined (like you are in the baby tub) and then all bets are off as to what direction you'll launch yourself. Bathing you up high in the kitchen sink was getting too risky. And now you love your bath so much! You could kick kick kick in the water all night if I let you. In fact your feet and legs are always on the go! You are going to be a soccer player or kick boxer or just a really good hopscotch-er or something, I think. And you twirl your feet in the air in circles. When you're excited or upset you kick kick kick! I bet you're going to have pretty dramatic tantrums! When I hold you before I put you in bed at night I look down and think how amazing you are. It is just mind-blowing that you are growing so fast! You're very tall. Your cute little hands with the dimples where your knuckles should be, resting on my hand or arm, I want to capture that forever. Your contented sigh as you fall into dreamland makes me feel so good. That and your cute little laugh. You're 5 months old, my girl. You are still such a happy baby. I love you so much. I don't know if you'll ever really know how much I love you - maybe if you have a little girl of your own one day, you'll understand what I really mean. Love always, Mommy

FOUR months?!

Dear Isabella,

I don't think I can keep up! I only wrote you one letter in July. It's much harder now that I'm back at work. I want to spend all my time off enjoying you (or enjoying sleep, if you're at Grandma's house...) and making memories. But I do have to remind myself to stop in here a little more often so I can remember those memories later. :)

You are growing so fast. I know I say that all the time. But it's just too true. You have your FOUR month check up this coming Saturday. All through July when people ask me how old my baby is, I told them, "Oh about three months old." Now BAM! you're already four months old.

You're much bigger. Even Auntie Gladys said when I picked you up today that you grew so much in the two weeks she was on vacation. When we have you in the swing or bouncer we have to make sure you're buckled in very securely - or you'll pull yourself up trying to sit forward! You've been practicing rolling over, and today Auntie Gladys said you rolled over from your back to your tummy all by yourself. I think you've done that at Grandma and Grandpa's house a couple times too - but not at home yet.

Daddy has been teaching you how to pick up your pacifier and put it in your own mouth - you're slowly getting it. But you're having trouble aiming it so the right part goes in your mouth! It's so fun to watch you get better day by day though.

Speaking of getting better...you were sick for a couple weeks recently. Out of nowhere you suddenly had the runs! And at first Daddy and I weren't too worried - little kids and babies have that all the time. Also, it really didn't seem to bother you at all. But after a week, it didn't get better by itself, and we took you to the doctor. When we saw that the pediatrician was worried, that's when we got worried. They ran some tests and everything came back negative! Nobody knew what was wrong. We switched your formula (again!) and it seemed to get better but by then it had already been almost two weeks so we weren't sure if it was just coincidence and timing. Plus, you seemed to have a little bit of a sore tummy on the soy formula, and you weren't sleeping as well. So just to see, we switched back and it turns out it must have just been timing. You're much better now and back to normal.

Except for your bedtime. It took a little while longer to get you back on a regular eating schedule - when you were having the runs you also got your eating all messed up. And because your eating was all funny, you kept waking up in the night hungry - you haven't done that in at least a month! (Just when I was telling everyone how amazing it was that you sleep from 8pm to 6am...) So Daddy and I asked Grandpa and Grandma and Auntie Gladys to help us keep you on a new eating and napping schedule to try and get your back on track. We are making slow progress with your night time sleep.

You also started laughing! Your laugh is so cute! We have a couple videos of you giggling at Daddy and I watch them over and over. Hearing you laugh makes a bad day not matter. Just like seeing your big, big smile in the morning makes it easier to wake up no matter how tired I am.

You really are growing and learning so fast, my girl. You reach for things and grab them like a pro. You're starting to learn your own name. It's amazing how fast time has passed - it feels like just yesterday you were this tiny little wiggle worm sleeping next to me in your bassinet, but at the same time it feels like two lifetimes ago that we just brought you home. You're only four months old but I already sometimes miss when you were littler - like when you slept next to me. Please don't grow too quickly my little Bean. I need to slow time down. I want to never forget how precious it is when your teeny tiny little hand rests on my arm as you fall asleep, or how strong your grip is when you clasp your hand around my finger when you have your bottle. I always want to remember the sound of your little voice around a big yawn, and the funny little gasp with raised eyebrows when I pour warm water over you to rinse you at the end of the bath. I try to memorize the silly way you put your feet together like praying hands and the way you grab at your toes, and how if I put my finger in your hand at night it calms you down.

I love you so much and I am excited to see you grow and get to know what kind of person you are going to be, but don't be in any kind of rush, okay? Let's enjoy the ride together. You'll always be my baby girl.

Love you too much,
Mommy

Growing so fast!

Dear Isabella,

I owe you so many letters! Oh boy, baby, life has been moving at such a fast pace - and so has your growth and development!

You became three months old recently - on July 7th! THREE months old! Where did time go? When you were just weeks old and I was struggling not to lose my mind from the lack of sleep and not knowing at all what I was doing, everyone told me, it gets better, she's going to grow up too fast, time flies! I thought they were nuts. But they were more than right. It seems like a lifetime ago that you were sleeping in the bassinet wherever we put you - next to our bed, in the living room, you name it. Back then you drank your bottles in such a hurry, and now you usually take your time and sometimes it's even hard to get you to focus and finish your meal!

You had your second set of shots too. Those were not nearly as hard for you as the first set. We gave you Tylenol right away, for one thing, and also the ones you had this time tend to have less difficult reactions. Whew!

In just the past couple of weeks you've hit some milestones that for us, are amazingly significant! Now you're able to grab things on purpose, with both hands - and you sure do it a lot. You love sitting in your bouncer because the toys that hang above you are in reaching distance. This is also why your swing has become your second favorite (as opposed to your very very favorite like before) place to play. The toys that hang from that you only can look at. But your most favorite toy of all is the little ball Daddy and I bought for you from Thinker Toys! It looks like this except it's blue and pink:

This ball helped you really really learn to grab and hold, grab and let go, grab and lift, and lately you have been just completely determined to find a way to fit that whole ball in your mouth. Never mind that it is the size of your head! In fact you are getting so good at grabbing things and picking them up on purpose that yesterday you actually picked up your own pacifier and tried to put it back in your mouth! Daddy and I took you to Zippy's so we could have some lunch, and you spit out your pacifier into your lap. You looked at it, picked it up, and kept trying to put it in your mouth. Well you couldn't quite aim it and kept ending up with your fist in your mouth instead (another favorite) but it was still fun to watch you start trying this new trick!

You're really good at sitting up! We still have to hold you up but your neck is so strong and your balance is really good too. You also love when we hold you up in a standing position. You are such a strong girl!

You have also discovered that your hands and feet actually belong to YOU! You absolutely love pulling on your own toes. And sometimes I see you holding your hand in front of your face, watching it wiggle and move like you're figuring out all the stuff your hands can do. My favorite thing you do with your hands is still when you hold my fingers, though. When you're having your bottle, you usually grip my finger or thumb, or one with each hand - and you hang on super tight! I love it. Sometimes you're tired at the end of the day but you aren't quite ready for bed. So you just like to hang out, sitting on my lap or lying in your crib, holding my finger.

Yup, I said lying in your crib. We moved you into your own room, big girl! First we moved your bassinet in there, and you still slept in the bassinet. But after a couple nights we put you to bed in your crib and you never once complained! It's so great that you are making these transitions so easily - I think it was harder for me than for you! The first couple of nights, I felt lonely when I went to bed. But Daddy moved your rocking chair into your room, and an old comfortable chair I had from when I lived by myself. So now you have all kinds of comfy things in your room! And we feed you in the rocking chair and we have your bed time routine completely figured out.

Around 7:30 (sometimes earlier or later depending on how tired you are), I start your bath. After your bath you have your last bottle for the night. At the end of the bottle you are sleepy but not asleep yet, so I swaddle you (still) and sometimes I rock you, if you need it. But sometimes I just put you in the crib and you drift off on your own. Usually by the time 8:30 rolls around you are sound asleep. Speaking of swaddling, usually by the time you wake up in the morning, you've managed to get at least one if not both of your arms out, and usually your right leg is also out. It's pretty funny actually. And you're getting better about not knocking out your own pacifier. But without swaddling you still wake yourself up every hour or so, so we're going to keep doing it till you don't need it and you don't want it. That's what the doctor said - you will let us know when to stop. With the swaddle you sleep till about 5:30 every morning - that's NINE hours straight! Sometimes you wake up around 3 or 4, but you just want your pacifier and you're back asleep before I'm even outside your room. I don't mind waking up to do that once or twice a night, especially since it's not every night.

I love watching you sleep. Your long, long eyelashes rested on your soft skin, with your chubby cheeks and sweet little mouth. When I look at you sleeping I wish I could gather you up and sleep with you like you were my teddy bear, that's how cute you are.

You're also smiling and talking so much now! Sometimes you squeal and shriek like you're experimenting with what kind of sounds you can make. You also have been making this weird growling-grunting noise lately. At first we thought you were trying to poop! But I think you're just loving that you can make all kinds of noises.

You get so much attention when we go out. Maybe I'm just being a big-headed mommy, but I think people tell us how pretty and cute (and the phrase "perfect looking" has been used by multiple strangers) more than with other babies! People really think you are so charming! They also tell us how good you are, if they spend any time with us at all. You are so mellow when we go out and people are amazed at how you'll just sit there and be totally happy watching everything. We had a meeting with our photographers for our wedding yesterday, and it was over an hour long! We were at Starbucks and you were totally happy just sitting there the whole time - some of the time in your carrier, and some time on Daddy's lap, and finally you ended up on my lap - where you fell asleep. You really are such an easy-going kid in a lot of ways. You still get overstimulated sort of easily but at three months that's normal. Also you get overheated a little more easily than other babies, but not like when you were a newborn!

I'm so proud of you, my little angel. My favorite time of day is bath and bed time. It's like our private, sweet, together time. I love watching you go from excited and playful to calm, content, and relaxed. It makes me feel good to be able to help you feel good.

More changes are coming to our lives, my baby! You'll have Daddy around more - he is leaving Senor Frogs to work for Atlantis as the cruise manager on the Navatek I. That's where I used to work. Daddy's new job will be much less hours than at Senor Frog's. But hopefully he can still keep in touch and keep hanging out with his friends from Frogs because those uncles sure do love you! Especially Uncle Anwar and Uncle Chavo. Mommy will have a new job soon too! I'm leaving Atlantis Submarines to work at UHA Health. Hopefully this will be a place Mommy can stay at for a long time and make a good regular daily and weekly routine for you. That way also I'll be off on the weekends which is important when you start school.

School seems like a loooooong way off, but at the rate time is passing, it will feel like no time at all! Don't grow up too fast my sweet pea. I want to savor each and every moment of your baby-hood. Each little change and milestone and development of your personality. That's part of why I haven't been blogging as much - I'm too busy making sure I am in the moment with you whenever we are together, so I can remember all the little details and all the wonderful feelings you give me. But I should get better about it again - I have to write everything down so I can remember forever!

I love you, Isabella. More than anything in the world and everything in the world all put together.

Love love love,
Mommy

TRUTH (You thought I forgot, didn't you?)

So now that it's almost three (three?!) months since I gave birth, I think it's time to revisit that ugly thing called TRUTH - more specifically, the truth about POST-pregnancy. Be forewarned - this can get gross.

The "lochia" bleeding they tell you about is nothing like a period. It's like an ellipsis. (For those unfamiliar, that's the dot-dot-dot.) An ellipsis in font size 48. Luckily at the hospital they give you these enormous pads that make Depends look like Poise panty-liners, and if you get the heads-up (this is your heads-up) you can be sneaky and put four more in your overnight bag every time you change the one you're wearing so you can keep telling the nurse you need more, and then when you go home, you'll have all the extra you need. You'll need lots of extra.

Here's one good thing, though. As soon as you check in when you're in labor, they make you change out of your clothes (wait, the good part is coming) and they give you these disposable panties. "Uh, where's the good part?" you ask. That is the good part. These disposable panties are SO comfortable you wonder WHY someone doesn't market them and sell them at Walgreens. The nurse hands them to you and you look at her like, "What is that?" But they are the most perfect combination of tight enough to hold that ginormous pad in place and stretchy enough that there is NO binding or creasing. It's like a hug for your bottom from your fat aunt - perfectly firm yet squishy. These too, you can stock up on if you strategerize, since they're supposed to be disposable.

But I'm just getting started.

When they say you won't sleep because of the feedings and the diapers and the blahblahblah, you can't quite wrap your mind around that fact until you're a week in and you feel like you just might die (and then you think, "Well at least I'll be asleep then..."). They don't tell you that feeding her every two or three hours means: 6AM wake up, change diaper, start feed. Feed till 6:20 maybe, if your baby suckles frantically as if you never feed her. Rock until 6:45AM, baby is FAST asleep, mouth agape, limbs limp. 6:45 and 35 seconds, put baby into cradle, mouth agape, limbs limp. 6:46AM fall into bed exhausted, but unable to fall asleep instantly because there is so much racing through your mind (SleepNowBeforeSheWakesUp-Laundry-ShouldIShowerNow-GottaShaveMyLegs-SleepNowDammit-OhCrapDidIFeedTheCatThisWeek-SeriouslySleepRightNOW-OhYeahI'mKindaHungry-NahIt'sOkay-GoToSleep!). 6:48AM baby startles awake - rock again until 7:06AM and think about the fact that two months ago you thought waking up for work was tough. 7:07AM gingerly put baby back in her cradle and force yourself to lie down with your eyes closed even if you can't sleep, and then end up sleeping. Until 8AM when you wake up to do it all over again. And even then, you're excited that you got almost a full hour of sleep.

It gets better, and it gets better pretty fast actually. But at the time you really do think to yourself, "What was I thinking?" And then you think that you are a terrible person and the worst Mommy ever just for thinking that, as if feeling overwhelmed and desperate automatically means you also feel regret (it doesn't). As if feeling a tiny bit of regret means you would take it back (it doesn't, and regret isn't the right word for it anyway). You also find yourself really angry at all the people who told you that "EVERYTHING changes" as if they were supposed to expound on that fact to make you truly comprehend what that means. There is no way to describe how every moment of every day for the rest of your life is now completely changed forever - not just your responsibilities, but also your perspective, your priorities, your freedom (and your perspective on what freedom means), your friends, your interests. Sure, you're going to mostly have the same friends and interests - but somehow everything is just different. Some things will be much more interesting than you ever thought possible (to me it was poop, for example) and other things will just seem boring (like my old hobby - drinking). For me, anyway, that "different" feeling was shocking and terrifying. If you're anything like me, you might feel a little grief for the life you didn't even realize you were saying goodbye to - and if you're like me, you may mistake this grief for a feeling of regret or a feeling that you want that old life back instead, and then feel an immense and intense feeling of guilt for that. But mourning your "old life" does not mean you want a do-over - it's just that such a significant change can be hard to adjust to no matter how mentally prepared you thought you were - especially when you're getting no sleep.

So, throughout pregnancy you're thinking, "Oh God I'm this hulking monstrous waddling flesh-ball, I can't wait to be normal-sized again." And people tell you that you won't shrink back to prepregnancy size magically. And you can accept that. But what they don't tell you is that you deflate like a balloon, slowly and lopsidedly (and sometimes just as noisily...) but you have been stretched beyond imagination in so many places and unless you're 14 your skin is not as elastic as a balloon. If you are fortunate enough to have a Sugar-Nazi for an ob/gyn like I was, and if you breastfeed even just for a couple weeks, your belly will mostly deflate pretty quickly. But you'll be left with gross skin that seems darker than before (not tan, just darker) and also wrinkled and saggy like an old elephant's butt. You'll be glad to see your ankles do in fact still have bones, as do your feet, but then you'll realize your thighs look still-pregnant when contrasted above thin-again ankles even when separated by knees and calves. That linea negra that could have been called a badge of honor now just looks gross and uneven. And if you breastfeed, then ten seconds after you stop breastfeeding (if you're lucky this will be MUCH later when all these other things have probably resolved themselves) your boobs will NOT return to pre-pregnancy size and shape. They will be decidedly lower, flatter, and sadder. Your butt will shrink but not back to its cute round self - it will just deflate and become that flat but wide "mom-butt."

You may also find yourself wanting to spit in the face of anyone who tries to say the K-word (K...egel) around you.

There's more, but I think that's a decent dose of truth, at least for now. But you know what. This is cliche, but, it's all worth it. When you look at your baby sleeping (you always love them most when they're sleeping) and you take the time to notice little things like how her toes wiggle almost constantly even in her sleep, and you stop and think about the fact that very, very soon, she will be a little person with opinions, questions, hopes and fears, you know that even if each day is a challenge it is a challenge you want to cherish and relish and remember.

And that is the most important truth of all.

10 (Thousand) Things I Love About You

Dear Isabella,

Here are some reasons I am smitten with you: The way you rest your hands politely folded on your round tummy when you fall asleep on my lap. Your tiny balled up fists held so tightly at the beginning of your 4am feeding that slowly unclench as you fall asleep. Your long, long eyelashes. Your brown hair that has a hint of red in the sunlight. Your funny toes that curl around my finger like monkey feet. Your chubby, rosy cheeks. Your red red lips and little triangle mouth that falls open when you're sleeping really deeply. When you hold my pinky finger so tightly as I'm feeding you. Your beautiful eyes that look so round and serious sometimes and light up with your coy smile other times. The way you try to put both your fists in your mouth at once. The determined and concentrated look on your face when you're trying so hard to coordinate your hands. Your little tongue licking your hands. Your tiny grunts and sighs when you're sleeping. Your strong little voice when you're talking to your toys. Your soft pink skin and little creases in your chubby arms and legs. The peaceful way you sleep resting your head on my shoulder when you fall asleep when I'm trying to burp you. The sleepy half-closed eyes you have when I wake you up. The sound of your soft little snores. The way your eyes get SO BIG and wide when the lights get dimmer suddenly. Your little facial expressions when you're dreaming. The specific combination of smells from your baby soap, fresh diaper, and milk that make me want to snuggle you like a Teddy bear. The dimples on your fists where your knuckles should be.

These are the things that make me say, Wow...what an angel.

I love you!

Love,
Mommy

Shots!

Dear Isabella,

Last Tuesday you had your two month "birthday" and so on Thursday you had your two month old doctor's appointments. You grew a lot! You're eleven pounds, 12.5 ounces and 22.75 inches long! You're still in the 75th percentile for weight and between 50-75th percentile for height.

You also had your first shots that day. Poor little girl. You had two shots, one in each thigh. You were happily wiggling on the exam table and I made Daddy be the one to hold you down, and I just stood in the corner. You had no idea what was coming of course. The way you cried was so awful! Different than any other cry before - a shocked, scared, painful cry. But you're such a good girl - you stopped crying almost right after Daddy picked you up when the nurse was finished. And your cute little bottom lip stuck out. I bet that pouty face won't be so cute when you get to be two or three years old, but for now, it's precious!

Later that night you were so unhappy! You had a little bit of a fever and I think your legs were sore where you got the shots, so every time you moved your legs it made it worse. But of course you didn't understand that and you don't have that much control over your muscles still anyway, so it was so awful for you. I took you to Grandma's house so I would have some help, because Daddy had to go to work. We gave you baby Tylenol and I wrapped you in your swaddle super tight to try and keep your legs from moving too much. After a bottle and some rocking, you finally fell asleep. By the time you woke up for your middle of the night bottle, you seemed to be doing a lot better, and by morning you were back to your cheerful self. But, boy, hearing your terrified painful cries was awful!

You're getting bigger and stronger every day! Which makes it harder when you're wiggling and playing when you're supposed to be having your bottle. But when you're playing it's fun. We got you some new toys that should be good for you to practice grabbing stuff, and a stuffed rattling bug that hangs from your carseat handle. It's soft so it's not dangerous if it comes loose in an accident. You love it! Yesterday in the morning I put you in your carseat while I made your bottles for the day, and you were smiling at it, and talking to it, and staring at it for almost an hour!

Each day with you is a new adventure. I love you!

Love,
Mommy

TWO months old already?!

Dear Isabella,

Tomorrow you'll be two months old! Can you believe it? Neither can I. You are growing up so fast! There are little changes even day to day. 

You sleep for longer, you're eating FIVE ounces at each bottle, and you are SO much more aware of your surroundings! Little milestones are so exciting for your Daddy and me. You can see farther and focus longer, so you watch as we move around the room. You coo and talk to people - and to the animals on your swing! You reach out to bat at the toys hanging from your bouncer. You love tummy time on the boppy - sometimes that's your favorite place to take a nap. Yesterday your Daddy SWORE that while we were in the car you actually picked up your own pacifier out of your lap. I bet it was by mistake, but it's still the first time you actually grabbed something and held on long enough to pick it up. And you've been finding your own fist to suck on lately too. It will be nice when you're able to pick up your pacifier and put it in your own mouth - I think we do that about a hundred times a day for you!

Every morning when I unwrap you from your swaddle, first your right arm gets unwrapped and it goes right up over your head like it was springloaded! Then I unwrap your left arm and that one goes flying up too! Then you arch your back and scrunch your face and moan a little as you streeeeeettttchhh... And then you rub your face a little and squirm around stretching some more. No matter how tired I am it makes me smile. It's one of my favorite parts of our day together.

You've had a lot of visitors this month! In fact, it's like we should have called it Grandparent's Month. First, we finally got everything hooked up for you to talk to your grandma in Mexico - and Abuela was so happy to see you! You also got to see her new puppy, Perlita. Hopefully one day we can get a puppy for you too. We also want you to video chat with Abuela a lot so she can talk to you in Spanish. A lot of the dresses you've been wearing are dresses she sent you. They are all so cute! Abuela has really great baby fashion sense! 

Also, Great Grandma - my mom's mom - came all the way to Hawaii from Wisconsin to meet you! You gave her a whole lot of smiles while she was here. She even stayed over at our house to see a little of our "normal" evening life (admittedly not so exciting - bottle, nap, bath, bottle, swaddle, and goodnight!).

Finally, you got to meet some of your Hilo family. Grandpa and Lola and Aunty Cayla came for the weekend to see you. You smiled at Grandpa A LOT and on Sunday you were talking and talking and talking - more than I'd ever heard you talk in one "session" before!

Your Aunty Sari is in town for our 10 year high school reunion next week, so you met her on Saturday too. She said you're so precious, she might just want a baby of her own! Wow! 

You sure had fun meeting everyone but I think it was an overwhelming weekend for you. You also have your first cold right now so those two things have made you over-tired and just sort of uncomfortable. Your little eyes are all red and watery, and I can hear the congestion in your chest when you breathe, poor little girl. But you're such a trooper. You'll be better in no time!

Oh Bella. I'm so in love with you. When I look at you I still can't believe how perfect you are. Your Daddy and I are so blessed. Now that life is sort of getting into a rhythm it's easier to really savor the little moments with you. And I'm trying to savor each little one as much as possible! I really have to video tape your morning stretch. I kept meaning to record video of you having your bottle because your little gulping, sucking, contented sighing noises, with your expressive eyes and eyebrows were so cute! But now you're focusing on your environment so much that you hardly do that anymore. When we're trying to capture your little habits, we can't procrastinate even one week.

Your two month check-ups are on Thursday. I can't wait to see how tall you got and how much you weigh. You're also going to get your first set of shots. I hope I don't cry! 

I love you, Sweet Pea, and I'm so proud of you. 

Love always,
Mommy

Growing so fast!

Dear Isabella,

You are growing into a little person with a distinct personality so quickly! You're "talking" more, and your little voice is so charming. Hilo Grandpa calls you several times a week to hear your voice and to talk to you - maybe by the time he visits in a couple weeks you'll know his voice.

Just this morning I saw you reaching out towards the things you were looking at - you're still uncoordinated and can't quite aim your hand correctly, but it's still a sign you're learning all about your world!

You've been getting into more of a routine, too. In the mornings, we get up right around when Daddy goes to work and have a bottle, and then we have a little time in the swing. Then you have a short nap, about an hour, until we play some more or have a bath. Then after you have a snack we go out, either to Daddy's office or the mall or to run errands. In the afternoon, after you have a bottle, you have some tummy time and usually you fall asleep for another nap. When you wake up, you have another bottle and about an hour or two later you're asleep again. Sometime in the middle of the night you wake up and have another bottle, and usually you go back to sleep pretty quickly. Depending on the timing, you wake up somewhere around six and Daddy and I struggle to put you back to sleep just one more time to get a couple more hours rest. And then we do it all again!

We finally ordered your announcements yesterday. Not that Facebook and email haven't told the world you're here yet! The photos came out great - Uncle Kevin and Uncle Dean took the pictures for us for free. Thanks Shot55 Photography! We took the pictures on Mother's Day, and then went to Grandma's house for a nice lunch and to spend some time together as a family. It was pretty relaxing for our first Mother's Day. Next year we'll try and go out for an actual Mother's Day brunch!

You're smiling so often, now too! You have a great big smile, and sometimes you even look a little mischievous. Are you going to be a sneaky trouble maker? Your smile actually reminds me of my cousin Carly - when she was a baby she would smile with her whole face, and a wide open mouth!

You are also very serious sometimes, just quietly looking around, studying your surroundings. I think you'll probably be a very smart person, and very curious about everything. There are still times when you struggle to stay awake - as if you just don't want to miss out on anything!

Uhoh! You're awake from your nap - time to play!

Love,
Mommy

Graduations!

Dear Isabella,

As I write this, you are sleeping next to me in your bassinet, swaddled (but of course your right arm has managed to wiggle out) and beautiful. I can't believe that tomorrow you will be one month old! You are graduating from "newborn" to "infant."

In fact you've had a lot of milestones this week. The final bit of your umbilical cord stump (finally!) fell off this morning. So tonight we gave you your first real bath - before this we couldn't get that stump wet (more on that in a bit). You also graduated from diaper size "N" to "1." And in the past two weeks you went from eating 2.5 ounces per feeding every two hours, to eating 4 ounces per feeding every three-ish hours. I think you had a growth spurt in the past few days because you look and feel a lot bigger (and heavier!), and you were certainly extra hungry! Oh, and with all those changes you also have outgrown all your "Newborn" sized onesies - on to the "0-3 Month" size. You're getting big so fast!

And finally, we are getting into an eat-change-sleep routine that more or less works and is fairly predictable. In fact, this week we started a pretty good all-day routine of waking hours, going out hours (even if it's just to visit Daddy at work - it's good for us to get out of the house a little every day), and night time sleep schedule. Life is getting a little easier with this routine and predictability - even if Daddy and I are still very tired all the time!

The only thing that has sort of been a challenge this week is that you're having trouble going "number two" lately. Last week Thursday you hadn't pooped all day until at night you suddenly had a diaper overflowing (literally)! And Friday was the same thing. Saturday we caught it before it got all over you, but that was just by chance. And then on Sunday you had nothing! So I called the doctor on Monday and they told us how to "help" you go. Poor little thing. This whole week we've had to help you. At first it felt so weird to do that to you, but like your Daddy said, we're just helping you feel better. We have a pediatrician appointment on Tuesday so hopefully they'll give us a new solution. Though I hope they don't advise us to change your formula - finally it seems like your gas/spitting up problems have settled down.

Because of those diaper blow outs we had to bathe you even though you still had a little bit of an umbilical stump. They weren't "full" baths with a tub of water, but we had to use running water to get you clean - a sponge bath would not have done the trick! You still aren't sure about how you like the bath. You seem to relax when the water runs over you, but you certainly don't like your head getting wet! Tonight when I washed your hair you cried so hard, and real tears were actually running. I could tell it stressed your Daddy out to see you so unhappy. But you're so cute in your hooded towel afterwards!

We also saw Aunty Maki this week, and baby Mana and Uncle Jin. We walked to meet them in Waikiki to give them some formula that we had that you can't use. It was so cute to see you and Mana "meet" each other - even though both of you weren't really aware of it. Oh gosh, sweetie, Mana was born in January so she's three months older than you, but you two are almost the same size! Mana was born at just over five pounds though, so you had a 3 pound head start! Haha.

Yesterday we also visited other people in Waikiki. We stopped by P.F. Chang's and saw Uncle Adam and Uncle Shane. They both said you are super cute! Uncle Adam has a little baby too, Cole, and I still remember the day he came into Starbucks and told us his wife was pregnant! He was so happy and already proud. Just like your Daddy was when he told his friends. Uncle Shane doesn't have any babies for you to play with, but he said he's going to teach you all about life. (I'm not really sure what that means!)

Finally, we also walked all the way to the Hilton to visit some people at my work. You met your Aunty Yukari who was so excited to meet you! She made one of your diaper cakes for our baby shower (in fact it's her size "1" diapers we're using now). While I was pregnant with you she used to talk to you a lot. She loved you from the start! You also met Uncle Bobby, Uncle Tim, and Aunty Lori. When we got there, Aunty Yukari carried you for a little while and then Aunty Lori carried you the rest of the time. They both said you're so pretty. Aunty Lori kept joking that she wanted to take you home with her. She has a teenage daughter, a little boy, and another little baby boy who is turning one year old soon. We had to go after a little while because you were starting to get too hot - and hungry.

You're starting to pay more attention to what's going on around you - probably partly because you're starting to be able to see a little farther. You love your swing at home and at Grandma and Grandpa's house. You have a book there that's called "How Do I Feel" and it has pictures of kids with different emotions - you like to look at that too. You still love to sleep on top of me or Daddy - and most afternoons that's how you have one of your naps. Now that you're able to sleep in your bassinet and you aren't so insistent on sleeping on top of us, it's really nice to have you do that for a little while every day. It feels nice to see you so relaxed and content - and to know that it's because you're close to us and feel safe with us.

You're growing so fast, Bean! Pretty soon you'll be too big for your bassinet and you'll have to sleep in your own room. I can't believe how much you've already grown and matured - when I look at pictures of you when you were just days old, I am so amazed! You are prettier and prettier every day, even though every day I don't think you can get any prettier than you already are! Sometimes I look at you and I am still blown away that you're ours. That we made you. You're my daughter. I don't know if I'll ever stop being in awe of that.

What will the next couple of weeks bring us? More milestones, more growing, maybe some new challenges (I don't think that will ever change! It's part of being a parent!) and definitely some more great experiences.

Congratulations on your One Month Birthday, my Isabella. I am so proud of you every moment, and I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy

3 Weeks Old Today

Dear Isabella,

My goodness, sweetie, life with you sure is a roller coaster. We are still trying to figure out if you are colicky or just a really needy baby, but every night about 9:30pm you start to cry, and many nights you are just inconsolable until about 1 or 2am. Other nights we can get you to quiet down and doze off a little but no deep sleep and definitely no putting you down in the cradle or anywhere else - you want to be held by a human! And your crazy little arms need to be restrained by swaddling you or else they go all over the place and wake you up and upset you. Changing your formula and the bottle we use has seemed to help your tummy troubles, mostly. Hopefully we continue to make progress because everyone is so tired - me, Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa Nick!

It feels like time is flying by but it also feels like you're much older than 3 weeks. It seems like ages and ages ago that I was still pregnant with you. Before I forget I want to tell you about some of the nicer things from when I was pregnant. A lot of my pregnancy was really really tough, and pretty unpleasant. I spent a lot of time on this blog talking about all the hard things. I didn't take the time to write down a lot of the wonderful things, especially towards the very very end. Feeling you move inside of me was the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life. Knowing you were there, all the time, and when I felt you move, knowing that meant you were happy and healthy - that was priceless. Sometimes I'd be having a conversation with someone - often a customer - and you would start to wiggle around. I always felt like we were having our own secret conversation at the same time.

On my last day of work, your Daddy went walking around the block with me. I was so uncomfortable and anxious for you to arrive and I had heard that walking would encourage you to come faster. It was a really hot day, and our neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks or much shade. But your Daddy walked with me around the block (I couldn't handle much further than that!) and helped me feel better. That was the Friday before you were born.

On the Monday before you were born, your Grandma went to Ala Moana with me for the same reason - I just wanted to walk around the mall. We went looking for shoes for her, but mainly the reason was just to walk from Sears to Macy's and back. Man, oh man, walking made my pelvis and back hurt so much! But I was determined to walk as much as possible so that you would come faster!

Your Grandma and Daddy took really good care of us the whole time I was pregnant with you, but especially right before you were born. Everyone was so excited to meet you and also they felt so sorry for me being so uncomfortable. Even Orange seemed to sense that something was about to happen. He cuddled with me a lot in the nights when I was by myself.

The Saturday before you were born, your Daddy and I had lunch with a bunch of our greatest friends. Aunty Pi'ilani, Aunty Amber, Uncle Shaun and Uncle Jeremy met us at Wahoo Fish Tacos for lunch. Aunty Amber and Uncle Shaun brought little Camdyn, who was so excited to meet you! Uncle Jeremy kept telling us how much he hoped you would come a little early, since he was scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan on April 10th. We had a really nice afternoon with all of them, talking and catching up. Aunty Amber used to work with your Daddy at Senor Frog's, and Aunty Pi'i and Uncle Jeremy used to hang out with me when I would go and spend time at Daddy's work. We all have a lot of really fun memories together. And now that you're here, we'll be making a lot more memories together too!

I was supposed to spend time with your Aunty Christina while I was on maternity leave also - she was going to go with me to this ceramics place to paint some pottery, to keep me distracted from being sore and itchy. We were supposed to go on the Friday of the week you were born - but I had to text her and say, let's reschedule because here she comes!

You're so loved, little Bean, and so am I. We are so lucky to have so many wonderful people in our lives that love and care for us. And I love you more than you'll ever know!

Happy three week birthday my girl. Let's see what the next week has in store for us...

Love you,
Mommy

First Field Trip!

Dear Isabella,

Today was the first day I took you out all by myself! Not counting going to the doctor, or driving to Grandma's house. You and I went to visit Daddy at work, and you got to see Tío Chavo and Tío Julio again, and you got to meet Uncle Brian and Uncle Felipe and Tío Paco. We also went downstairs to Starbucks and you got to see Aunty Jess again!

You even started crying when we were at Daddy's office because we were there long enough that it was time for you to eat again. But once you got your bottle you were a happy camper. You were alert and awake for everyone to see your pretty eyes! Uncle Brian said he thought your hair was pretty.

Daddy took us to eat pho for lunch after he finished in the office and you slept right through lunch.

It was quite an exciting day, my girl. Right now you're sleeping in Grandma's arms - today really wiped you out!

I love you! I can't wait to take you walking in the park and visiting more people soon.

Love you forever,
Mommy

Two Weeks Old!

Dear Isabella,

You're two weeks old today! We are learning more and more about how to take care of you as best as possible and make you happy as much as possible every day. Having a newborn sure is like being a detective. Or a lab scientist. Hypothesize, experiment, evaluate... It's been another roller coaster week, my little Bean, let me tell you. Just when we think we have something figured out, you change your mind or something else comes up.

You had your two week check up a couple days early because of Daddy's work schedule, on Tuesday, and the doctor said even though you have so much trouble staying asleep, you are doing perfectly. You weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces, just half an ounce less than your birth weight, which is great. In fact your weight, length, and head measurements are all at exactly the 50th percentile mark. You, my dear, are literally exactly "normal."

We discovered you really like co-sleeping - but don't tell any of the doctors, they say it's too dangerous. Grandma also discovered you like the mobile in your crib, and the vibration in your swings and bouncer and playpen. You also get really interested in music.

You make funny faces when you're making a diaper - usually you get really still and make a tiny "O" with your mouth and your eyes get a little wide and round.

You are already very opinionated! When you don't want something we offer (like your pacifier) you make the most sour, irritated face. And once you decide you do want something (like your pacifier) you want it NOW! You seem to have a bit of a temper also - once you decide you're hungry or want to be carried (so, always) you get angry so fast. Crying and squirming and so red!

Mommy wasn't doing so good this week, angel. On Sunday I was on the phone with your Grandma, and suddenly became very cold. I was shivering and had goosebumps and I could tell my skin was cold because you didn't like it when I touched you. I asked Grandma, "Isn't it supposed to be Kona winds or really hot or something?" she said yes, the weather hadn't changed. I didn't really pay much attention, just turned off the fan. When you got too hot we moved into our bedroom, turned on the AC and I hid under the covers. But all day Monday I was hot and cold and had sweats and chills. I called the doctor and she said to call Tuesday if I was still feverish and to just watch the fever to make sure it didn't rise. Well, Monday night it started rising really fast. I had you by myself and the body aches and weakness was starting to scare me. When my fever got to be 103.5 I asked your Daddy to come home from work so we could go to the hospital, and your Grandma came all the way from Kaneohe to babysit you at 10pm. In the ER, they took me right away, and when they took my temperature it was 104.2! Your body can start to cook itself after 104 degrees or you could go into shock! They gave me Tylenol and IV fluids, and took a LOT of blood for blood tests. After a couple hours they still didn't know what it was - they didn't even know if it was a virus or bacterial infection. They did say it wasn't the flu, and we were glad - we were so worried if I had given YOU the flu. My fever came down a little and they told us to follow up with our doctor the next day. Finally on Tuesday, the doctor diagnosed me with mastitis - with also a possible uterine infection! Double whammy! They prescribed antibiotics and to follow up again today. Turns out the infection actually got worse instead of better, and now I'm on TWO different antibiotics - and one of them isn't safe for breast milk.

This whole week the amount I've been able to pump for you has gotten less and less, and now it looks like we have to supplement with formula. Before this started I was pumping enough to have extra to store for later but now I'm hardly making any, and on top of that with the medicine I have to dump it anyway. We're still not sure your tummy can handle the formula we have. If not we'll have to go through several days of experimenting with different formulas, and that means your tummy might hurt more than usual.

Isabella, honey, I'm so, so sorry. I feel like this is my fault, and I've already failed you somehow. Mastitis usually starts with a blocked milk duct, which usually happens if you stop or reduce pumping or nursing too abruptly. This past weekend I started skipping pumping sessions instead of pumping EVERY time you eat, so I could sleep more. Then my duct got blocked and then infected, and for a couple days I could hardly take care of you - Daddy and Grandma did pretty much everything because I was so feverish and weak (Thank goodness we have them!). And now my milk is going away AND now I have to stop giving it to you anyway (temporarily, but it keeps getting less and less, even in the uninfected breast)! All because I got lazy and selfish about how inconvenient pumping is! I know there are lots of really healthy kids whose mommies never gave them breastmilk at all, or whose mommies also had to stop for a lot of other reasons, and they are just fine, and I know it doesn't mean I don't love you enough. But I also know breastmilk is the BEST thing for you and I feel like if I could help it I should give as much as possible. And I feel like I totally could have prevented this. I know it doesn't make sense to feel so guilty and sad about it but I do. I'm sorry, Baby Bean. I hope my milk comes back for you when I get rid of this infection.

You're growing so much every day, little girl. When I show you outside you look interested, and I keep promising you we can go explore more soon. Things keep coming up. Maybe in this next week I'll be able to bring you out and you can see what things look like outside of home and doctor's offices. I hope so.

I love you so much, and your Daddy and I still tell each other every day how lucky we both feel to have been blessed with you. Even on the toughest days, you hold my heart in your beautiful eyes.

Love always,
Your Mommy

Happy One Week Birthday!

Dear Isabella,

Today you are one week old! What a week it has been! Getting to know you in the hospital was a nice adventure. I was still healing - oh boy that delivery really took it out of me. I was sore in all kinds of places, my hip hurt from pushing (or falling, we're not sure) so much that they sent a physical therapist to help me, and I felt so frustrated being so helpless - your Daddy had to help me to do everything, even just sitting up in bed! We had lots of visitors. So many people had been so anxious to meet you after all these months! You had quite the fan club. Uncle Jeremy was so happy that you came early! He had to go to Afghanistan on the 10th and he's going to be gone one whole year, so he was really hoping to be able to meet you before he left.

We were excited to bring you home - I was nervous too. And that first day and night was really, really hard. In the hospital you had been nursing really well, but when we brought you home you did not want to have anything to do with it! And you were so hungry and upset! You cried and cried and cried and we didn't know what to do. We called Grandma and Grandpa Nick and they came to help us, and we also called your pediatrician. You cried almost with no stopping for hours! All afternoon! And I could tell by how you were acting that you were so hungry! But you wouldn't nurse. I cried a lot that day - I didn't know how to make you feel better. Finally around 5pm the pediatrician told us to just give you one ounce of formula to tide you over and make sure you didn't get dehydrated. I was devastated! But she assured us that giving you just this little bit of formula from a bottle wouldn't make you never want to nurse again. Daddy went and got formula and also got a pump for me so I could still simulate nursing. He was really worried too.

Finally we got you to calm down and you finally got some rest. The next couple of days were definitely all about learning. Learning how to feed you the way you wanted, learning how to get you to sleep (we're actually still learning that...), learning how to change your diaper quickly, and learning your schedule (just when we figure it out we realize you don't really have one). Boy oh boy me and Daddy have been so tired. The days just blend together. Thank goodness for your Grandma though - she has been staying with us a lot of nights because Daddy had to go back to work on Sunday. My doctor gave us strict orders that I must get more sleep, so Grandma has been helping at night so much so that I can sleep in between your feedings.

Daddy comes home from a long night at work and feeds you and changes you too, if Grandma's not here. And when he comes home in the afternoon he takes over so I can rest a little (but there's always so many chores!). We take turns. He's just such a good Daddy. Everyone loves you so much, so even though it's hard and tiring work, we all feel so good when you're happy and content. You've been having tummy troubles, and I'm trying to figure out if it's something I'm eating that is making you have so much trouble, but I feel so sad when you're so unhappy. We have figured out that when your tummy hurts it feels good for you to sleep face down on our chest. We can't put you in the crib or bassinet that way because you might suffocate. So some nights, Daddy and I take turns sleeping with you on our chests - even if we can sleep when you sleep, it gets pretty uncomfortable to not be able to move or turn on our sides! But it's worth it, if that's the only way your tummy can feel okay enough for you to sleep. Also, you overheat really easily. So we have you in our bedroom a lot, where there's air conditioning, especially in the late afternoon when it's the hottest.

We also discovered you love sleeping in your car seat. So there are lots of pictures of you in there. It feels kind of silly to have you in there so much, but if it makes you happy then that's what we'll do!

Another thing that works is swaddling you. We all just can't get it right in terms of swaddling you with a blanket, but luckily Grandma brought a swaddling cloth that Aunty Debbie and Uncle Kevin gave us that Nya used to use, and we use that a lot. You hate it at first when we wrap you up (like a little Bean burrito!) because you love to have your hands free, but once we finish wrapping you, you're much happier. But you are so stubborn, because like Houdini, you manage to wriggle your hands up to your face eventually and we have to start all over.

You also make the funniest faces when you're just falling asleep. I love just watching you. I could stare at you for hours - if there wasn't so much other stuff to do! And you make the funniest noises. You randomly make this little squeak, and make the cutest cooing noises, and just recently you started sort of snorting like a tiny horse when you are lying on my chest - you'll breathe in deeply and then snort out the air. You sneeze a lot too but the doctor said it's nothing.

To celebrate your one week birthday Daddy took us to Zippy's for lunch. We used to go to the same Zippy's after almost every doctor's appointment while I was pregnant. It's like a tradition now. Lucky us, Daddy worked from home today - hopefully he can do that as often as possible for the day-times. At Zippy's all the waitresses said how cute you are. You really are so adorable, my little girl, and so pretty. I'm so proud of you.

The past week has been probably one of the hardest weeks I've ever had, Isabella, but also one full of the happiest little moments. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed or like I'm doing a terrible job, I look at you, and touch you, and I know that if I can be strong for you, I have been given the best gift in the whole entire history of the world - YOU! I always believed other mommies when they said that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, unbelievably deep, and like nothing you've ever felt or experienced in your life. But now I know it, really really know it - I love you so much it hurts! In a good way though. It's the most joyful feeling and the most scary feeling in the world. I'm so scared of how much I love you - and even though it's not even possible to love you more, I do love you more every day! We have many, many weeks ahead of us to keep getting to know each other and I know that as I get more and more familiar with your little (but strong!) personality, I will keep loving you more and more. I can't wait!

Love you always and forever,
Mommy

What a journey!

Dear Isabella,

April 14th was your due date but you came into this world exactly one week early. And what a blessing you are.

Your final journey into the world was quite a struggle. It began on Tuesday, April 5th, actually. Tuesday was the last day off together alone that your Daddy and I would have and we didn't even know it. We had a check up appointment that morning and I was so uncomfortable with you growing in my belly that I joked with the doctor that we'd see her that night if I had any control over it. Little did we know...

After the appointment Daddy and I went to have lunch at Panda Express. I ate lots of vegetables! Then we went to the zoo to see the tigers. Oh boy, walking around the zoo was soooo hard! I had to walk so slow, and take lots of breaks. I felt like people stared at me like I was one of the exhibits. But the tigers were pretty cool! We got some really good pictures. I'll show you later. After the zoo we came home to rest a little, and then we went to Ruby Tuesday's for an early dinner - super early, because you were taking up so much room in my belly that I couldn't eat anything past 5pm! After Ruby Tuesday's, Daddy and I went to see Grandma and Grandpa Nick and pick up a few things that I had left at their house. Grandma took some photos of me and your Daddy and you in my belly because I had gotten so big! I'll show you those later too. I was having some contractions but nothing different than what I had been feeling all week. We sat around watching you move around in my belly - you were stretching out your legs and squirming around so much and making my belly into some pretty funny shapes!

Daddy and I came home and went to bed after watching a little T.V. It was a really nice day for us (I felt a little guilty that Orange was home alone all day and all night). Then at 12:28am (Daddy noticed the time and remembered it for the doctors just like we were taught - what a good Dad, huh?), my water broke in bed! At first I wasn't sure that's what it was - they had told us it could be a gush, or a trickle, but it was a little in between. I woke up your Daddy and told him what I thought and while I went to the bathroom to check, he started running around the house like a crazy person getting things together and getting ready to go to the hospital. He was so excited!

We got to the hospital and after they checked us out and made sure it really was the amniotic sac that had ruptured, we got into our labor and delivery room - Room 310. I wasn't really having regular contractions so they put me on a Pitocin drip to induce labor. They told us you had to be born within 48 hours to minimize the risk of infection.

When labor started, it wasn't too bad. But the contractions quickly became stronger and closer together, and I contemplated when I was going to have my epidural. The nurse told us that if we were for sure going to have one, I should be aware that at 7am is when they have all the scheduled C-sections, so the anesthesiologists would be busy between 7 and 8. At the time it was about 4:30am. I decided, why wait. They came in and put the drip in for the epidural, and suddenly the contractions didn't hurt anymore. In fact, Grandma, your Daddy, and I all took naps and I slept right through the contractions for a couple hours.

When I woke up I couldn't move my legs - definitely a weird sensation! The contractions were getting stronger, but manageable because of the epidural. The classes your Daddy and I took helped, because I knew how to breathe through the contractions and your Daddy was really helpful. I thought about our instructor, Therese, and imagined what she would suggest we try and tried to remember all the exercises we did in class. But the whole day passed and I was hardly dilating! At one point, your heart rate started to drop a little more than the doctors were comfortable with, and they had to stop the Pitocin - which stopped the dilating too! Oh man, this was taking forever! People kept calling and texting me and your Daddy to see what was going on. Abuela Balladyna was really worried and called Daddy a lot to check - it's hard for her to be so far away!

Then in the evening after they had stabilized your heart rate and restarted the Pitocin drip, the contractions started getting really, really strong! I felt like I didn't even have an epidural! The nurse would ask me on a scale of 1-10 how bad the pain was and I told her every time that it was a 10. I was dilating more but definitely not enough to push. Why didn't you want to come out??

I got to a point where I was in so much pain I was saying some pretty silly things. Like, "I can't do this, someone else has to do it for me!" and "I want to go home!" I was crying a lot. Poor Grandma and Daddy didn't know what to do to make me feel better. They just held my hands and whispered words of encouragement and that was exactly what I needed. Daddy even brushed my hair for me which felt good. What would we do without them?

Finally at about 10:30pm the doctor said that even though I wasn't dilated to 10cm (I was at 9.5), we could start pushing. I think they were worried about the stress on you because of my pain. The nurse and doctor warned me that for first time births, sometimes mommies have to push for 3 hours! But they said it probably wouldn't be that long for us.

Well, we started pushing just before 11pm on Wednesday night, and you weren't born till 1:46am on Thursday! Turns out we did push for about 3 hours!

There were some pretty scary moments during those three hours, my little girl. You had your head turned the wrong way, so you were getting stuck. My doctor had to turn your head with her hands, but she said you were so stubborn you kept turning your head back. Finally we got you turned the right way and got you to stay there. But you still didn't want to come out. They brought out the forceps and let me tell you - those things are SCARY looking. From where I was, they looked like a cross between the ice cream scoops they use at Cold Stone and giant (GIANT!) salad spoons. Daddy said he was so scared when they put those inside me to grab your head. He was scared they were going to hurt you. Every time I pushed, the doctors (they called a second one in to help, because you were taking so long to come out and it was getting a little risky) pulled and pulled with all their might. It took soooo long and so much strength from everyone in the room to get your head out. Two doctors pulling and digging around to maneuver you, Grandma and Daddy helping me push, and the nurse monitoring all our vital signs and getting things ready for when you finally came out.

Right before you came, the nurse asked the doctor if she should call the Pediatric Team. It's a team of doctors and nurses specially trained to take care of a baby right after delivery that might need some extra help. My doctor said yes right away. Grandma was scared - she and I have watched a silly amount of Discovery Health and read a lot of books on medical things and we both know it's not standard to call in that many people - in a matter of minutes, there were like 5 or 6 extra people standing there in surgical scrubs waiting to take care of you right away. Daddy was scared too, because even though he had confidence in the two doctors working on us, they were talking so quietly to each other, and the nurse had a really scared look on her face.

When you came out, you didn't cry right away and Daddy was scared. It was sort of strange - after everyone coaching me through the pushes and talking to get things ready, the room got so quiet for a couple of seconds. You were purple. But then your strong little lungs kicked in and you let out your first wail. Daddy got to cut your umbilical cord - he told me through my whole pregnancy that he didn't want to, but in the moment he was so overcome with love for you and he wanted to do everything that the experience offered. They took you away from me, and from across the room I watched them check you and make sure you were doing okay. I hated that I was so far away from you! Daddy went over with you and as soon as he started stroking your little belly you quieted down. In fact after the first couple of cries, you hardly cried at all.

Oh my goodness Isabella, you were so swollen. You weighed in at 8 pounds and 6.5 ounces and even though they thought you might need help when you first came out, you scored really high on your APGAR readings - those are scores they give when they evaluate important markers for your immediate health, like breathing, alertness, skin coloring. Finally they brought you to me and I couldn't say or think anything except I kept repeating, "Hi Baby. You're so beautiful." I was surprised at myself that I didn't cry right away but I think I was just so in awe of you, like I think I felt so much love and so much wonder that I couldn't express it in any way at all. I tried to get you to nurse because I'd heard how beneficial that is, but you were too tired. It was exhausting for everyone, especially you! Holding you to my chest that first time was one of the most wondrous moments of my life. I cried later, after they took you away to do more tests and stuff, and Daddy and I had a moment to congratulate each other.

I love your Daddy so much, and I am so grateful we have such an amazing man to take care of us. In a split second I thought about the true beginning of your journey into this world - from the days he would come into Starbucks and see me, to our first months together, to living in our first apartment, and all our friends, to last summer when we found out we were having you, to moving to our first "family" apartment where we live now, and the last couple of months. We've come a really long way in a super short amount of time and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

I didn't want to let you go but they had to take you from me again to take you to the nursery and get you all clean and warm and do some tests. While they were doing that, they took me and Daddy and Grandma to our recovery room. A much, much smaller room! When I was trying to get out of bed to go in the wheelchair to go to our room, I fell. My legs still didn't work! I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and all I had to do was stand up and turn around and sit down in the wheelchair. But as soon as I tried to stand up, even though my left leg could support me, my right leg was still completely paralyzed from the epidural and BOOM! Down I went. Daddy and Grandma rushed over to help the nurse pick me up. It certainly felt weird - it wasn't like I felt myself falling - it was like I had stepped into a hole in the floor.

When we got to the room and they got you cleaned up and tested, they brought you in to us. While we were in the hospital you stayed with us in the room most of the time. And that's how our next journey of getting to know each other began.

This path that we've found ourselves on, I'm so grateful for every step of the way, even the tough ones. You're perfect the way you are. In such a short time you've already brought such love and joy into our lives. I love you, Isabella, and I want you never to forget that

Love,
Mommy