Dear Isabella,
Today you are one week old! What a week it has been! Getting to know you in the hospital was a nice adventure. I was still healing - oh boy that delivery really took it out of me. I was sore in all kinds of places, my hip hurt from pushing (or falling, we're not sure) so much that they sent a physical therapist to help me, and I felt so frustrated being so helpless - your Daddy had to help me to do everything, even just sitting up in bed! We had lots of visitors. So many people had been so anxious to meet you after all these months! You had quite the fan club. Uncle Jeremy was so happy that you came early! He had to go to Afghanistan on the 10th and he's going to be gone one whole year, so he was really hoping to be able to meet you before he left.
We were excited to bring you home - I was nervous too. And that first day and night was really, really hard. In the hospital you had been nursing really well, but when we brought you home you did not want to have anything to do with it! And you were so hungry and upset! You cried and cried and cried and we didn't know what to do. We called Grandma and Grandpa Nick and they came to help us, and we also called your pediatrician. You cried almost with no stopping for hours! All afternoon! And I could tell by how you were acting that you were so hungry! But you wouldn't nurse. I cried a lot that day - I didn't know how to make you feel better. Finally around 5pm the pediatrician told us to just give you one ounce of formula to tide you over and make sure you didn't get dehydrated. I was devastated! But she assured us that giving you just this little bit of formula from a bottle wouldn't make you never want to nurse again. Daddy went and got formula and also got a pump for me so I could still simulate nursing. He was really worried too.
Finally we got you to calm down and you finally got some rest. The next couple of days were definitely all about learning. Learning how to feed you the way you wanted, learning how to get you to sleep (we're actually still learning that...), learning how to change your diaper quickly, and learning your schedule (just when we figure it out we realize you don't really have one). Boy oh boy me and Daddy have been so tired. The days just blend together. Thank goodness for your Grandma though - she has been staying with us a lot of nights because Daddy had to go back to work on Sunday. My doctor gave us strict orders that I must get more sleep, so Grandma has been helping at night so much so that I can sleep in between your feedings.
Daddy comes home from a long night at work and feeds you and changes you too, if Grandma's not here. And when he comes home in the afternoon he takes over so I can rest a little (but there's always so many chores!). We take turns. He's just such a good Daddy. Everyone loves you so much, so even though it's hard and tiring work, we all feel so good when you're happy and content. You've been having tummy troubles, and I'm trying to figure out if it's something I'm eating that is making you have so much trouble, but I feel so sad when you're so unhappy. We have figured out that when your tummy hurts it feels good for you to sleep face down on our chest. We can't put you in the crib or bassinet that way because you might suffocate. So some nights, Daddy and I take turns sleeping with you on our chests - even if we can sleep when you sleep, it gets pretty uncomfortable to not be able to move or turn on our sides! But it's worth it, if that's the only way your tummy can feel okay enough for you to sleep. Also, you overheat really easily. So we have you in our bedroom a lot, where there's air conditioning, especially in the late afternoon when it's the hottest.
We also discovered you love sleeping in your car seat. So there are lots of pictures of you in there. It feels kind of silly to have you in there so much, but if it makes you happy then that's what we'll do!
Another thing that works is swaddling you. We all just can't get it right in terms of swaddling you with a blanket, but luckily Grandma brought a swaddling cloth that Aunty Debbie and Uncle Kevin gave us that Nya used to use, and we use that a lot. You hate it at first when we wrap you up (like a little Bean burrito!) because you love to have your hands free, but once we finish wrapping you, you're much happier. But you are so stubborn, because like Houdini, you manage to wriggle your hands up to your face eventually and we have to start all over.
You also make the funniest faces when you're just falling asleep. I love just watching you. I could stare at you for hours - if there wasn't so much other stuff to do! And you make the funniest noises. You randomly make this little squeak, and make the cutest cooing noises, and just recently you started sort of snorting like a tiny horse when you are lying on my chest - you'll breathe in deeply and then snort out the air. You sneeze a lot too but the doctor said it's nothing.
To celebrate your one week birthday Daddy took us to Zippy's for lunch. We used to go to the same Zippy's after almost every doctor's appointment while I was pregnant. It's like a tradition now. Lucky us, Daddy worked from home today - hopefully he can do that as often as possible for the day-times. At Zippy's all the waitresses said how cute you are. You really are so adorable, my little girl, and so pretty. I'm so proud of you.
The past week has been probably one of the hardest weeks I've ever had, Isabella, but also one full of the happiest little moments. Every time I start to feel overwhelmed or like I'm doing a terrible job, I look at you, and touch you, and I know that if I can be strong for you, I have been given the best gift in the whole entire history of the world - YOU! I always believed other mommies when they said that the love you feel for your child is indescribable, unbelievably deep, and like nothing you've ever felt or experienced in your life. But now I know it, really really know it - I love you so much it hurts! In a good way though. It's the most joyful feeling and the most scary feeling in the world. I'm so scared of how much I love you - and even though it's not even possible to love you more, I do love you more every day! We have many, many weeks ahead of us to keep getting to know each other and I know that as I get more and more familiar with your little (but strong!) personality, I will keep loving you more and more. I can't wait!
Love you always and forever,
Mommy
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
What a journey!
Dear Isabella,
April 14th was your due date but you came into this world exactly one week early. And what a blessing you are.
Your final journey into the world was quite a struggle. It began on Tuesday, April 5th, actually. Tuesday was the last day off together alone that your Daddy and I would have and we didn't even know it. We had a check up appointment that morning and I was so uncomfortable with you growing in my belly that I joked with the doctor that we'd see her that night if I had any control over it. Little did we know...
After the appointment Daddy and I went to have lunch at Panda Express. I ate lots of vegetables! Then we went to the zoo to see the tigers. Oh boy, walking around the zoo was soooo hard! I had to walk so slow, and take lots of breaks. I felt like people stared at me like I was one of the exhibits. But the tigers were pretty cool! We got some really good pictures. I'll show you later. After the zoo we came home to rest a little, and then we went to Ruby Tuesday's for an early dinner - super early, because you were taking up so much room in my belly that I couldn't eat anything past 5pm! After Ruby Tuesday's, Daddy and I went to see Grandma and Grandpa Nick and pick up a few things that I had left at their house. Grandma took some photos of me and your Daddy and you in my belly because I had gotten so big! I'll show you those later too. I was having some contractions but nothing different than what I had been feeling all week. We sat around watching you move around in my belly - you were stretching out your legs and squirming around so much and making my belly into some pretty funny shapes!
Daddy and I came home and went to bed after watching a little T.V. It was a really nice day for us (I felt a little guilty that Orange was home alone all day and all night). Then at 12:28am (Daddy noticed the time and remembered it for the doctors just like we were taught - what a good Dad, huh?), my water broke in bed! At first I wasn't sure that's what it was - they had told us it could be a gush, or a trickle, but it was a little in between. I woke up your Daddy and told him what I thought and while I went to the bathroom to check, he started running around the house like a crazy person getting things together and getting ready to go to the hospital. He was so excited!
We got to the hospital and after they checked us out and made sure it really was the amniotic sac that had ruptured, we got into our labor and delivery room - Room 310. I wasn't really having regular contractions so they put me on a Pitocin drip to induce labor. They told us you had to be born within 48 hours to minimize the risk of infection.
When labor started, it wasn't too bad. But the contractions quickly became stronger and closer together, and I contemplated when I was going to have my epidural. The nurse told us that if we were for sure going to have one, I should be aware that at 7am is when they have all the scheduled C-sections, so the anesthesiologists would be busy between 7 and 8. At the time it was about 4:30am. I decided, why wait. They came in and put the drip in for the epidural, and suddenly the contractions didn't hurt anymore. In fact, Grandma, your Daddy, and I all took naps and I slept right through the contractions for a couple hours.
When I woke up I couldn't move my legs - definitely a weird sensation! The contractions were getting stronger, but manageable because of the epidural. The classes your Daddy and I took helped, because I knew how to breathe through the contractions and your Daddy was really helpful. I thought about our instructor, Therese, and imagined what she would suggest we try and tried to remember all the exercises we did in class. But the whole day passed and I was hardly dilating! At one point, your heart rate started to drop a little more than the doctors were comfortable with, and they had to stop the Pitocin - which stopped the dilating too! Oh man, this was taking forever! People kept calling and texting me and your Daddy to see what was going on. Abuela Balladyna was really worried and called Daddy a lot to check - it's hard for her to be so far away!
Then in the evening after they had stabilized your heart rate and restarted the Pitocin drip, the contractions started getting really, really strong! I felt like I didn't even have an epidural! The nurse would ask me on a scale of 1-10 how bad the pain was and I told her every time that it was a 10. I was dilating more but definitely not enough to push. Why didn't you want to come out??
I got to a point where I was in so much pain I was saying some pretty silly things. Like, "I can't do this, someone else has to do it for me!" and "I want to go home!" I was crying a lot. Poor Grandma and Daddy didn't know what to do to make me feel better. They just held my hands and whispered words of encouragement and that was exactly what I needed. Daddy even brushed my hair for me which felt good. What would we do without them?
Finally at about 10:30pm the doctor said that even though I wasn't dilated to 10cm (I was at 9.5), we could start pushing. I think they were worried about the stress on you because of my pain. The nurse and doctor warned me that for first time births, sometimes mommies have to push for 3 hours! But they said it probably wouldn't be that long for us.
Well, we started pushing just before 11pm on Wednesday night, and you weren't born till 1:46am on Thursday! Turns out we did push for about 3 hours!
There were some pretty scary moments during those three hours, my little girl. You had your head turned the wrong way, so you were getting stuck. My doctor had to turn your head with her hands, but she said you were so stubborn you kept turning your head back. Finally we got you turned the right way and got you to stay there. But you still didn't want to come out. They brought out the forceps and let me tell you - those things are SCARY looking. From where I was, they looked like a cross between the ice cream scoops they use at Cold Stone and giant (GIANT!) salad spoons. Daddy said he was so scared when they put those inside me to grab your head. He was scared they were going to hurt you. Every time I pushed, the doctors (they called a second one in to help, because you were taking so long to come out and it was getting a little risky) pulled and pulled with all their might. It took soooo long and so much strength from everyone in the room to get your head out. Two doctors pulling and digging around to maneuver you, Grandma and Daddy helping me push, and the nurse monitoring all our vital signs and getting things ready for when you finally came out.
Right before you came, the nurse asked the doctor if she should call the Pediatric Team. It's a team of doctors and nurses specially trained to take care of a baby right after delivery that might need some extra help. My doctor said yes right away. Grandma was scared - she and I have watched a silly amount of Discovery Health and read a lot of books on medical things and we both know it's not standard to call in that many people - in a matter of minutes, there were like 5 or 6 extra people standing there in surgical scrubs waiting to take care of you right away. Daddy was scared too, because even though he had confidence in the two doctors working on us, they were talking so quietly to each other, and the nurse had a really scared look on her face.
When you came out, you didn't cry right away and Daddy was scared. It was sort of strange - after everyone coaching me through the pushes and talking to get things ready, the room got so quiet for a couple of seconds. You were purple. But then your strong little lungs kicked in and you let out your first wail. Daddy got to cut your umbilical cord - he told me through my whole pregnancy that he didn't want to, but in the moment he was so overcome with love for you and he wanted to do everything that the experience offered. They took you away from me, and from across the room I watched them check you and make sure you were doing okay. I hated that I was so far away from you! Daddy went over with you and as soon as he started stroking your little belly you quieted down. In fact after the first couple of cries, you hardly cried at all.
Oh my goodness Isabella, you were so swollen. You weighed in at 8 pounds and 6.5 ounces and even though they thought you might need help when you first came out, you scored really high on your APGAR readings - those are scores they give when they evaluate important markers for your immediate health, like breathing, alertness, skin coloring. Finally they brought you to me and I couldn't say or think anything except I kept repeating, "Hi Baby. You're so beautiful." I was surprised at myself that I didn't cry right away but I think I was just so in awe of you, like I think I felt so much love and so much wonder that I couldn't express it in any way at all. I tried to get you to nurse because I'd heard how beneficial that is, but you were too tired. It was exhausting for everyone, especially you! Holding you to my chest that first time was one of the most wondrous moments of my life. I cried later, after they took you away to do more tests and stuff, and Daddy and I had a moment to congratulate each other.
I love your Daddy so much, and I am so grateful we have such an amazing man to take care of us. In a split second I thought about the true beginning of your journey into this world - from the days he would come into Starbucks and see me, to our first months together, to living in our first apartment, and all our friends, to last summer when we found out we were having you, to moving to our first "family" apartment where we live now, and the last couple of months. We've come a really long way in a super short amount of time and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
I didn't want to let you go but they had to take you from me again to take you to the nursery and get you all clean and warm and do some tests. While they were doing that, they took me and Daddy and Grandma to our recovery room. A much, much smaller room! When I was trying to get out of bed to go in the wheelchair to go to our room, I fell. My legs still didn't work! I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and all I had to do was stand up and turn around and sit down in the wheelchair. But as soon as I tried to stand up, even though my left leg could support me, my right leg was still completely paralyzed from the epidural and BOOM! Down I went. Daddy and Grandma rushed over to help the nurse pick me up. It certainly felt weird - it wasn't like I felt myself falling - it was like I had stepped into a hole in the floor.
When we got to the room and they got you cleaned up and tested, they brought you in to us. While we were in the hospital you stayed with us in the room most of the time. And that's how our next journey of getting to know each other began.
This path that we've found ourselves on, I'm so grateful for every step of the way, even the tough ones. You're perfect the way you are. In such a short time you've already brought such love and joy into our lives. I love you, Isabella, and I want you never to forget that
Love,
Mommy
April 14th was your due date but you came into this world exactly one week early. And what a blessing you are.
Your final journey into the world was quite a struggle. It began on Tuesday, April 5th, actually. Tuesday was the last day off together alone that your Daddy and I would have and we didn't even know it. We had a check up appointment that morning and I was so uncomfortable with you growing in my belly that I joked with the doctor that we'd see her that night if I had any control over it. Little did we know...
After the appointment Daddy and I went to have lunch at Panda Express. I ate lots of vegetables! Then we went to the zoo to see the tigers. Oh boy, walking around the zoo was soooo hard! I had to walk so slow, and take lots of breaks. I felt like people stared at me like I was one of the exhibits. But the tigers were pretty cool! We got some really good pictures. I'll show you later. After the zoo we came home to rest a little, and then we went to Ruby Tuesday's for an early dinner - super early, because you were taking up so much room in my belly that I couldn't eat anything past 5pm! After Ruby Tuesday's, Daddy and I went to see Grandma and Grandpa Nick and pick up a few things that I had left at their house. Grandma took some photos of me and your Daddy and you in my belly because I had gotten so big! I'll show you those later too. I was having some contractions but nothing different than what I had been feeling all week. We sat around watching you move around in my belly - you were stretching out your legs and squirming around so much and making my belly into some pretty funny shapes!
Daddy and I came home and went to bed after watching a little T.V. It was a really nice day for us (I felt a little guilty that Orange was home alone all day and all night). Then at 12:28am (Daddy noticed the time and remembered it for the doctors just like we were taught - what a good Dad, huh?), my water broke in bed! At first I wasn't sure that's what it was - they had told us it could be a gush, or a trickle, but it was a little in between. I woke up your Daddy and told him what I thought and while I went to the bathroom to check, he started running around the house like a crazy person getting things together and getting ready to go to the hospital. He was so excited!
We got to the hospital and after they checked us out and made sure it really was the amniotic sac that had ruptured, we got into our labor and delivery room - Room 310. I wasn't really having regular contractions so they put me on a Pitocin drip to induce labor. They told us you had to be born within 48 hours to minimize the risk of infection.
When labor started, it wasn't too bad. But the contractions quickly became stronger and closer together, and I contemplated when I was going to have my epidural. The nurse told us that if we were for sure going to have one, I should be aware that at 7am is when they have all the scheduled C-sections, so the anesthesiologists would be busy between 7 and 8. At the time it was about 4:30am. I decided, why wait. They came in and put the drip in for the epidural, and suddenly the contractions didn't hurt anymore. In fact, Grandma, your Daddy, and I all took naps and I slept right through the contractions for a couple hours.
When I woke up I couldn't move my legs - definitely a weird sensation! The contractions were getting stronger, but manageable because of the epidural. The classes your Daddy and I took helped, because I knew how to breathe through the contractions and your Daddy was really helpful. I thought about our instructor, Therese, and imagined what she would suggest we try and tried to remember all the exercises we did in class. But the whole day passed and I was hardly dilating! At one point, your heart rate started to drop a little more than the doctors were comfortable with, and they had to stop the Pitocin - which stopped the dilating too! Oh man, this was taking forever! People kept calling and texting me and your Daddy to see what was going on. Abuela Balladyna was really worried and called Daddy a lot to check - it's hard for her to be so far away!
Then in the evening after they had stabilized your heart rate and restarted the Pitocin drip, the contractions started getting really, really strong! I felt like I didn't even have an epidural! The nurse would ask me on a scale of 1-10 how bad the pain was and I told her every time that it was a 10. I was dilating more but definitely not enough to push. Why didn't you want to come out??
I got to a point where I was in so much pain I was saying some pretty silly things. Like, "I can't do this, someone else has to do it for me!" and "I want to go home!" I was crying a lot. Poor Grandma and Daddy didn't know what to do to make me feel better. They just held my hands and whispered words of encouragement and that was exactly what I needed. Daddy even brushed my hair for me which felt good. What would we do without them?
Finally at about 10:30pm the doctor said that even though I wasn't dilated to 10cm (I was at 9.5), we could start pushing. I think they were worried about the stress on you because of my pain. The nurse and doctor warned me that for first time births, sometimes mommies have to push for 3 hours! But they said it probably wouldn't be that long for us.
Well, we started pushing just before 11pm on Wednesday night, and you weren't born till 1:46am on Thursday! Turns out we did push for about 3 hours!
There were some pretty scary moments during those three hours, my little girl. You had your head turned the wrong way, so you were getting stuck. My doctor had to turn your head with her hands, but she said you were so stubborn you kept turning your head back. Finally we got you turned the right way and got you to stay there. But you still didn't want to come out. They brought out the forceps and let me tell you - those things are SCARY looking. From where I was, they looked like a cross between the ice cream scoops they use at Cold Stone and giant (GIANT!) salad spoons. Daddy said he was so scared when they put those inside me to grab your head. He was scared they were going to hurt you. Every time I pushed, the doctors (they called a second one in to help, because you were taking so long to come out and it was getting a little risky) pulled and pulled with all their might. It took soooo long and so much strength from everyone in the room to get your head out. Two doctors pulling and digging around to maneuver you, Grandma and Daddy helping me push, and the nurse monitoring all our vital signs and getting things ready for when you finally came out.
Right before you came, the nurse asked the doctor if she should call the Pediatric Team. It's a team of doctors and nurses specially trained to take care of a baby right after delivery that might need some extra help. My doctor said yes right away. Grandma was scared - she and I have watched a silly amount of Discovery Health and read a lot of books on medical things and we both know it's not standard to call in that many people - in a matter of minutes, there were like 5 or 6 extra people standing there in surgical scrubs waiting to take care of you right away. Daddy was scared too, because even though he had confidence in the two doctors working on us, they were talking so quietly to each other, and the nurse had a really scared look on her face.
When you came out, you didn't cry right away and Daddy was scared. It was sort of strange - after everyone coaching me through the pushes and talking to get things ready, the room got so quiet for a couple of seconds. You were purple. But then your strong little lungs kicked in and you let out your first wail. Daddy got to cut your umbilical cord - he told me through my whole pregnancy that he didn't want to, but in the moment he was so overcome with love for you and he wanted to do everything that the experience offered. They took you away from me, and from across the room I watched them check you and make sure you were doing okay. I hated that I was so far away from you! Daddy went over with you and as soon as he started stroking your little belly you quieted down. In fact after the first couple of cries, you hardly cried at all.
Oh my goodness Isabella, you were so swollen. You weighed in at 8 pounds and 6.5 ounces and even though they thought you might need help when you first came out, you scored really high on your APGAR readings - those are scores they give when they evaluate important markers for your immediate health, like breathing, alertness, skin coloring. Finally they brought you to me and I couldn't say or think anything except I kept repeating, "Hi Baby. You're so beautiful." I was surprised at myself that I didn't cry right away but I think I was just so in awe of you, like I think I felt so much love and so much wonder that I couldn't express it in any way at all. I tried to get you to nurse because I'd heard how beneficial that is, but you were too tired. It was exhausting for everyone, especially you! Holding you to my chest that first time was one of the most wondrous moments of my life. I cried later, after they took you away to do more tests and stuff, and Daddy and I had a moment to congratulate each other.
I love your Daddy so much, and I am so grateful we have such an amazing man to take care of us. In a split second I thought about the true beginning of your journey into this world - from the days he would come into Starbucks and see me, to our first months together, to living in our first apartment, and all our friends, to last summer when we found out we were having you, to moving to our first "family" apartment where we live now, and the last couple of months. We've come a really long way in a super short amount of time and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
I didn't want to let you go but they had to take you from me again to take you to the nursery and get you all clean and warm and do some tests. While they were doing that, they took me and Daddy and Grandma to our recovery room. A much, much smaller room! When I was trying to get out of bed to go in the wheelchair to go to our room, I fell. My legs still didn't work! I swung my legs over the side of the bed, and all I had to do was stand up and turn around and sit down in the wheelchair. But as soon as I tried to stand up, even though my left leg could support me, my right leg was still completely paralyzed from the epidural and BOOM! Down I went. Daddy and Grandma rushed over to help the nurse pick me up. It certainly felt weird - it wasn't like I felt myself falling - it was like I had stepped into a hole in the floor.
When we got to the room and they got you cleaned up and tested, they brought you in to us. While we were in the hospital you stayed with us in the room most of the time. And that's how our next journey of getting to know each other began.
This path that we've found ourselves on, I'm so grateful for every step of the way, even the tough ones. You're perfect the way you are. In such a short time you've already brought such love and joy into our lives. I love you, Isabella, and I want you never to forget that
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A lot to catch up on!
Quick notes:
I have become somewhat of a pro at sleeping sitting up, and my spot on the couch makes for a great nap spot. Isabella seems to have her own favorite positions for various times of day, and as she runs out of room in there, I'm more and more confident I can tell the difference between her feet and knees and elbows wiggling around in there. She still finds room for little punches and sort of really strong kicks.
Braxton-Hicks contractions have become so common for me now that I don't get excited or even try to time them to make sure they're not real labor. I even considered suggesting the name Braxton to Alex when we were trying to find our just-in-case boy name. But I do feel Isabella descending - maybe. If it's possible to simultaneously descend and not turn - she seems to still be more or less transverse rather than coming around to head-down. I didn't think this was possible but my belly button has poked out even further. I'm pretty sure if I don't give birth soon my belly will just rip open from being stretched so much.
People keep asking how I'm feeling - nervous, excited, anxious... To be honest, after our classes, I'm not nervous at all about the labor experience. I'm beyond excited to meet our baby; it's an incredible feeling to know there's a baby in there and it's coming soon and she's going to be a person with all that goes with personhood. I'm not really nervous about taking care of her after - not that I think I'll know everything or that I won't have questions or self-doubt about things or that I won't have days that I'm going, "I don't know what else to DO!" But I'm not nervous about those obstacles - everyone has them, I have Alex and we have my mom and my stepdad ready to help at a moment's notice (and really, a huge support system from afar including Alex's mom, my dad and stepmom, my grandma, my Uncle Bill, all our friends). I'm not nervous at all about how the relationship between me and Alex will change - everyone talks about how much a baby changes things. I feel so confident in our relationship, our love, our friendship that I know it will only bring us even closer together and add another rich dimension to our life together.
What I am nervous about is the physical things that happen after birth. I've spent the past however many weeks and months in discomfort at varying levels for various reasons - the swelling, the reflux, the pelvic aching and popping (which is getting even worse of course, as my body makes way), on and on - and wishing for The Big Day to just get here, that I didn't even bother to learn what happens to me, my body, right after. I was nervous about how I'd look - I didn't think about how I'd feel. Apparently it's not all fun and games either. The inversion of the uterus is supposedly totally uncomfortable. You apparently bleed like a period for up to SIX weeks - pads only, no tampons! The list is long.
Alex told me last night, "No matter what, it won't be as bad as you're feeling now." I told him, "That's the thing! What if it is?! This whole time I've been saying, this sucks I just want to have her already. What if we have her and my body is so uncooperative that I end up saying, 'THIS sucks too!!' There's NO way to know."
I suppose that's the scariest part of pregnancy, postpartum and parenting in general though, right? It's not so much the things you know are going to be tough, like labor pains or sleepless nights. It's the stuff you don't even know that you don't know. The big black hole of what ifs, what nows, and what do I dos. Man, I hope she's an easy kid...
- Sixteen days till the due date! Arrival predictions from friends: Christina - April 8, Mrs. O - April 15 (grrr), JD - April 13. We are still accepting predictions. :)
- We picked a pediatrician!
- We picked a just-in-case boy's name! (Ethan Alexander - and dibs on this name for the future if we don't use it for this baby!)
- Other than a few little items (that we're getting today), we packed our hospital bag!
- We wrote our In Case of Emergency contact cards for the door and fridge!
- We wrote our "Birth Wish" (the more realistic name for a "Birth Plan")
- We finished both our Infant Care class series and Prepared Childbirth class series - both totally worth the time and money, and we had the best instructor - Therese was awesome!
I have become somewhat of a pro at sleeping sitting up, and my spot on the couch makes for a great nap spot. Isabella seems to have her own favorite positions for various times of day, and as she runs out of room in there, I'm more and more confident I can tell the difference between her feet and knees and elbows wiggling around in there. She still finds room for little punches and sort of really strong kicks.
Braxton-Hicks contractions have become so common for me now that I don't get excited or even try to time them to make sure they're not real labor. I even considered suggesting the name Braxton to Alex when we were trying to find our just-in-case boy name. But I do feel Isabella descending - maybe. If it's possible to simultaneously descend and not turn - she seems to still be more or less transverse rather than coming around to head-down. I didn't think this was possible but my belly button has poked out even further. I'm pretty sure if I don't give birth soon my belly will just rip open from being stretched so much.
People keep asking how I'm feeling - nervous, excited, anxious... To be honest, after our classes, I'm not nervous at all about the labor experience. I'm beyond excited to meet our baby; it's an incredible feeling to know there's a baby in there and it's coming soon and she's going to be a person with all that goes with personhood. I'm not really nervous about taking care of her after - not that I think I'll know everything or that I won't have questions or self-doubt about things or that I won't have days that I'm going, "I don't know what else to DO!" But I'm not nervous about those obstacles - everyone has them, I have Alex and we have my mom and my stepdad ready to help at a moment's notice (and really, a huge support system from afar including Alex's mom, my dad and stepmom, my grandma, my Uncle Bill, all our friends). I'm not nervous at all about how the relationship between me and Alex will change - everyone talks about how much a baby changes things. I feel so confident in our relationship, our love, our friendship that I know it will only bring us even closer together and add another rich dimension to our life together.
What I am nervous about is the physical things that happen after birth. I've spent the past however many weeks and months in discomfort at varying levels for various reasons - the swelling, the reflux, the pelvic aching and popping (which is getting even worse of course, as my body makes way), on and on - and wishing for The Big Day to just get here, that I didn't even bother to learn what happens to me, my body, right after. I was nervous about how I'd look - I didn't think about how I'd feel. Apparently it's not all fun and games either. The inversion of the uterus is supposedly totally uncomfortable. You apparently bleed like a period for up to SIX weeks - pads only, no tampons! The list is long.
Alex told me last night, "No matter what, it won't be as bad as you're feeling now." I told him, "That's the thing! What if it is?! This whole time I've been saying, this sucks I just want to have her already. What if we have her and my body is so uncooperative that I end up saying, 'THIS sucks too!!' There's NO way to know."
I suppose that's the scariest part of pregnancy, postpartum and parenting in general though, right? It's not so much the things you know are going to be tough, like labor pains or sleepless nights. It's the stuff you don't even know that you don't know. The big black hole of what ifs, what nows, and what do I dos. Man, I hope she's an easy kid...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Elephant ankles - BEYOND cankles...
Some days, it's hard to walk...this is so gross. And it feels like my skin is about to burst open. It will be nice to be able to wear shoes again - I recently went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse wearing slippers because that's all that will even remotely contain these sausages. *sigh*
And yes, those are compression stockings I'm wearing. They help, somewhat, but see those folds? After a couple hours those areas feel like if you wrap a rubberband or string around your little finger and let it turn blue. And since the stockings are toe-less so that I can wear slippers, even if my feet and ankles have minimal swelling, my toes look like giant pigs-in-a-blanket. Which makes them look even funnier when I take off the stockings. TRUTH.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
30 Days! More hopes and fears...
We are 30 days away from our due date! This is so exciting! I was talking to Kat last night and telling her how I just want to meet our baby already! I can't stand waiting at this point. (And not just because my belly now rests on my lap when I sit upright in a chair...) We want to see what she looks like, hear her voice, smell her (after they've wiped her down at least...), and just HOLD her!
I'm getting a little anxious about labor and the first few days, but not really. What I'm anxious about, more, is a little vain, actually. I am totally convinced that I am going to need a tummy tuck after this child-bearing business is all finished. Everyone in person keeps telling me, "Nahhh you haven't actually gained that much weight - your belly is big but the rest of you is the same," and "Don't worry I bet you'll be one of those people that just loses all the weight fast." Alex keeps telling me not to worry and I'll be back to prepregnancy size in no time. But trust me, the way my clothes fit, I can tell it's not just my belly that has expanded (and even if it was - all that skin!). I mean, I admit, I'm lucky that our doctor is a crazed psycho that monitors my diet and weight way more than anyone has ever heard of, because it's true that I haven't gained a TON of weight. But my butt and thighs are definitely more uh, sturdy..and my arms and back are notably fleshier (back fat is the WORST!). And (okay brace yourself or skip ahead because this part is totally gross) there's this band of flesh just under my belly and above my pubic area like where the waistband of normal people's low-rider jeans would go, that is like spongy and soft and totally pinch-able and it is NOT part of the hard, uterine, pregnancy belly. It is pure unadulterated FAT. And if everyone is really expecting that I'll just shrink back, oh God the pressure...
But I digress. Talking to Kat last night, I was telling her that okay, I have this really unavoidable pregnant belly that is 110% impossible to forget, but sometimes I still don't feel like all this is real. Like, I'm going to be a Mom. Alex is going to be a Dad. We're going to have a real, live, human baby in like less than a month. We're going to be parents FOREVER. This baby will grow up into a person. I look at my friends' kids that I've watched grow maybe over the past five or six years and I just can't imagine what our lives will look like in five or six years. I mean, really, every time I take a moment to think back even ONE year (no matter what time of year it is, not just on occasions), I realize I NEVER would have imagined that in just a year my life would look like this (whatever "this" is at the moment I have this periodic revelation). I can't even imagine what our day-to-day life will look like in two months, let alone a year. Life is amazing if you stop and let yourself get carried away with thinking about all this.
I fear what our society will look like in the future as Isabella grows up. Things were so much simpler when Alex and I were kids. I know that's true for every generation. I hope we can give her as much time to be a kid, be innocent, be carefree, as possible (without raising a totally clueless, spoiled brat of course). We really want to give her a childhood she can cherish and remember fondly. We were both lucky in that even though our parents may have had some harder times, and there were things we may have been aware of "before our time," we both had happy, healthy childhoods and in the end we always knew the security of unconditional love. In the end, that's all we really want for our daughter - health, happiness, security, and curiosity. The rest tends to take care of itself.
I'm getting a little anxious about labor and the first few days, but not really. What I'm anxious about, more, is a little vain, actually. I am totally convinced that I am going to need a tummy tuck after this child-bearing business is all finished. Everyone in person keeps telling me, "Nahhh you haven't actually gained that much weight - your belly is big but the rest of you is the same," and "Don't worry I bet you'll be one of those people that just loses all the weight fast." Alex keeps telling me not to worry and I'll be back to prepregnancy size in no time. But trust me, the way my clothes fit, I can tell it's not just my belly that has expanded (and even if it was - all that skin!). I mean, I admit, I'm lucky that our doctor is a crazed psycho that monitors my diet and weight way more than anyone has ever heard of, because it's true that I haven't gained a TON of weight. But my butt and thighs are definitely more uh, sturdy..and my arms and back are notably fleshier (back fat is the WORST!). And (okay brace yourself or skip ahead because this part is totally gross) there's this band of flesh just under my belly and above my pubic area like where the waistband of normal people's low-rider jeans would go, that is like spongy and soft and totally pinch-able and it is NOT part of the hard, uterine, pregnancy belly. It is pure unadulterated FAT. And if everyone is really expecting that I'll just shrink back, oh God the pressure...
But I digress. Talking to Kat last night, I was telling her that okay, I have this really unavoidable pregnant belly that is 110% impossible to forget, but sometimes I still don't feel like all this is real. Like, I'm going to be a Mom. Alex is going to be a Dad. We're going to have a real, live, human baby in like less than a month. We're going to be parents FOREVER. This baby will grow up into a person. I look at my friends' kids that I've watched grow maybe over the past five or six years and I just can't imagine what our lives will look like in five or six years. I mean, really, every time I take a moment to think back even ONE year (no matter what time of year it is, not just on occasions), I realize I NEVER would have imagined that in just a year my life would look like this (whatever "this" is at the moment I have this periodic revelation). I can't even imagine what our day-to-day life will look like in two months, let alone a year. Life is amazing if you stop and let yourself get carried away with thinking about all this.
I fear what our society will look like in the future as Isabella grows up. Things were so much simpler when Alex and I were kids. I know that's true for every generation. I hope we can give her as much time to be a kid, be innocent, be carefree, as possible (without raising a totally clueless, spoiled brat of course). We really want to give her a childhood she can cherish and remember fondly. We were both lucky in that even though our parents may have had some harder times, and there were things we may have been aware of "before our time," we both had happy, healthy childhoods and in the end we always knew the security of unconditional love. In the end, that's all we really want for our daughter - health, happiness, security, and curiosity. The rest tends to take care of itself.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Photos from our two baby showers
Finally I put together a slide show! Thank you to everyone who came, and thank you for all the wonderful gifts!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I feel much better..even though I feel much worse..
Isabella's room is coming together nicely. Alex drilled the holes for two of the three wall hanging areas (we have concrete walls), so there's a pretty picture of a purple flower above the changing table. Also there's a super pretty wall hanging with her name that Jess and Grace made hanging above her crib. I made a photo cluster of zoo animals (literally, photos of animals at the zoo we took a couple months ago) in lavendar frames that will go on the opposite wall. Soon, Alex will hang hooks on the wall next to her closet for things like diaper bags (and later, whatever she wants to hang, like a towel, or whatever). We had one baby shower last week Sunday, for our friends, and it was really fun! We got so much stuff. Our friends sure are generous! I was a little overwhelmed when we brought the stuff home and put it in her room to be put away and organized. I let it sit there for a few days before I got up the energy to put things where they belong. Also washed all her clothes that we got that day and that we've received since people found out we were pregnant. She already has so many clothes! Oh dear.
Work has calmed down a lot which is lucky because my symptoms are getting more and more difficult to cope with. The heartburn is still an issue but it's one I get around by mostly never eating later than 3 or 4 or 5 pm. Actually 5 pm is even a little too late but sometimes I just can't help it. I can't even have milk or other liquid except water. And even that, I have to drink most of my water during the day. I have become an avid fan of chewing ice at night. Don't tell my dentist.
But now that I've sort of figured a (pain in the ass) way around the heartburn/reflux issue, more issues are popping up. My feet swell to nearly TWICE their normal size if I'm on my feet for any length of time, OR if I'm sitting for any length of time without them being 100% elevated. So basically, they're always enormous. I actually had to call in sick to work on Friday because they were so swollen, and my legs and even my knees were swollen, so much so that walking to the car (heck, even to the bathroom), standing in the shower, anything, was super painful and my knees kept buckling. Add to that my chest has been hurting and feeling really tight and pressured, and breathing has become a chore, and I'm pretty much over this whole pregnancy experience. Sleep is the opposite of restful and I actually dread the effort every night, even though I'm exhausted. And maybe this is TMI but my groin area is in constant pain. Sharp, shooting pains spark through that area any time I try to move - getting out of bed, even turning over from my left to right or right to left in bed, getting out of the car, standing up, walking. And sometimes when I'm just sitting here, there's a pain there that is a cross between sharp and shooting but also throbbing.
So I went to the doctor on Friday, and all the answers were basically non-answers. The swelling isn't dangerous by itself, but they're watching my protein levels and blood pressure because of it. I got compression stockings for the swelling which are so ugly (but not any more ugly than disgustingly swollen sausage feet and legs), and help. Today in our prepared childbirth class, I was wearing them, and my feet started to swell anyway, which only made it more sore, because it was like when you tie a rubber band around your finger and watch it turn purple. But mostly they do help prevent the swelling from being totally excruciating. The chest pain and breathing stuff seemed to stump the doctor - obviously some breathlessness is normal on account of a baby leaving little room for lung expansion. But they said my breath sounds and cardiac sounds were okay, and they didn't know why I'm feeling tightness and pressure. I am to wait and see if it persists. Or call again if it gets really really really bad. Finally, I was told the groinal pain is normal and will probably get worse, due to loosening of the pelvic bones and joints. Yeah. I don't care what's normal. I care that I can't move without feeling like I'm ripping something apart.. We have another appointment on Tuesday so they are going to check everything again.
But as I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, a woman who had just finished a post-partum check up came out, carrying her 6 week old son. So cute! So little! She sat in the waiting room after she was done because she wanted to feed him before he got fussy, and we ended up chatting. She told me that she completely hated her whole entire pregnancy experience. The whole time. 100%. She wanted to be that woman who is glowing and happy and appreciative of the miracle happening inside. But, she said, she had every bad symptom possible, and had it intensely. She said she was so over it that when her son was born she didn't even miss feeling him inside of her. She was just glad to be done. I feel so much less like an awful, negative person and bad mommy now! Like, yes! Someone out there also felt the whole time like it sucked! Well for me, it's not the whole time. I have good days (or, I did - it's been a while). And I still am fascinated by Isabella's movements and I know I will miss it. But other than that, there is nothing fun about this! And it's not just because I'm a wuss!
AND, she said that during her pregnancy she gained 60 pounds. SIXTY. Six - Zero. And I am sitting here looking at this woman going, you're not even big right now. Only 6 weeks later. She was a little fleshy and pudgy in spots (there's always that mommy pooch on your tummy), but not overweight and definitely did not look like she had gained 60 pounds during her pregnancy. Unless she was like anorexic thin when she got pregnant. But she said she was definitely "in trouble" with our Nazi doctor with her weight gain which tells me she wasn't supposed to gain 60 pounds. So even though I've gained past my "allowed" 25 pounds already (so far have gained about 30 pounds), I don't feel like a total hippopotamus (as long as I don't look at photos of myself..). And seeing that she still looks normal even though she gained 60 pounds, gives me hope that I won't be an oompah-loompah for very long after Isabella pops out. This lady wasn't even breastfeeding, and I (hopefully) will be, so that will help even more!
We have like 5 more weeks to go. We have the family baby shower tomorrow which should be fun. And then we have to sort of make sure and buy the rest of the stuff that we don't receive, and finish her room. Install the car seat. Little things around the house to get out of the way. Pack the bag for the hospital. I feel like there's more that I'm totally forgetting. Hmmm...
Work has calmed down a lot which is lucky because my symptoms are getting more and more difficult to cope with. The heartburn is still an issue but it's one I get around by mostly never eating later than 3 or 4 or 5 pm. Actually 5 pm is even a little too late but sometimes I just can't help it. I can't even have milk or other liquid except water. And even that, I have to drink most of my water during the day. I have become an avid fan of chewing ice at night. Don't tell my dentist.
But now that I've sort of figured a (pain in the ass) way around the heartburn/reflux issue, more issues are popping up. My feet swell to nearly TWICE their normal size if I'm on my feet for any length of time, OR if I'm sitting for any length of time without them being 100% elevated. So basically, they're always enormous. I actually had to call in sick to work on Friday because they were so swollen, and my legs and even my knees were swollen, so much so that walking to the car (heck, even to the bathroom), standing in the shower, anything, was super painful and my knees kept buckling. Add to that my chest has been hurting and feeling really tight and pressured, and breathing has become a chore, and I'm pretty much over this whole pregnancy experience. Sleep is the opposite of restful and I actually dread the effort every night, even though I'm exhausted. And maybe this is TMI but my groin area is in constant pain. Sharp, shooting pains spark through that area any time I try to move - getting out of bed, even turning over from my left to right or right to left in bed, getting out of the car, standing up, walking. And sometimes when I'm just sitting here, there's a pain there that is a cross between sharp and shooting but also throbbing.
So I went to the doctor on Friday, and all the answers were basically non-answers. The swelling isn't dangerous by itself, but they're watching my protein levels and blood pressure because of it. I got compression stockings for the swelling which are so ugly (but not any more ugly than disgustingly swollen sausage feet and legs), and help. Today in our prepared childbirth class, I was wearing them, and my feet started to swell anyway, which only made it more sore, because it was like when you tie a rubber band around your finger and watch it turn purple. But mostly they do help prevent the swelling from being totally excruciating. The chest pain and breathing stuff seemed to stump the doctor - obviously some breathlessness is normal on account of a baby leaving little room for lung expansion. But they said my breath sounds and cardiac sounds were okay, and they didn't know why I'm feeling tightness and pressure. I am to wait and see if it persists. Or call again if it gets really really really bad. Finally, I was told the groinal pain is normal and will probably get worse, due to loosening of the pelvic bones and joints. Yeah. I don't care what's normal. I care that I can't move without feeling like I'm ripping something apart.. We have another appointment on Tuesday so they are going to check everything again.
But as I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, a woman who had just finished a post-partum check up came out, carrying her 6 week old son. So cute! So little! She sat in the waiting room after she was done because she wanted to feed him before he got fussy, and we ended up chatting. She told me that she completely hated her whole entire pregnancy experience. The whole time. 100%. She wanted to be that woman who is glowing and happy and appreciative of the miracle happening inside. But, she said, she had every bad symptom possible, and had it intensely. She said she was so over it that when her son was born she didn't even miss feeling him inside of her. She was just glad to be done. I feel so much less like an awful, negative person and bad mommy now! Like, yes! Someone out there also felt the whole time like it sucked! Well for me, it's not the whole time. I have good days (or, I did - it's been a while). And I still am fascinated by Isabella's movements and I know I will miss it. But other than that, there is nothing fun about this! And it's not just because I'm a wuss!
AND, she said that during her pregnancy she gained 60 pounds. SIXTY. Six - Zero. And I am sitting here looking at this woman going, you're not even big right now. Only 6 weeks later. She was a little fleshy and pudgy in spots (there's always that mommy pooch on your tummy), but not overweight and definitely did not look like she had gained 60 pounds during her pregnancy. Unless she was like anorexic thin when she got pregnant. But she said she was definitely "in trouble" with our Nazi doctor with her weight gain which tells me she wasn't supposed to gain 60 pounds. So even though I've gained past my "allowed" 25 pounds already (so far have gained about 30 pounds), I don't feel like a total hippopotamus (as long as I don't look at photos of myself..). And seeing that she still looks normal even though she gained 60 pounds, gives me hope that I won't be an oompah-loompah for very long after Isabella pops out. This lady wasn't even breastfeeding, and I (hopefully) will be, so that will help even more!
We have like 5 more weeks to go. We have the family baby shower tomorrow which should be fun. And then we have to sort of make sure and buy the rest of the stuff that we don't receive, and finish her room. Install the car seat. Little things around the house to get out of the way. Pack the bag for the hospital. I feel like there's more that I'm totally forgetting. Hmmm...
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